My Unforeseen Journey: July 2013

In the chair for the last time!

On March 28th, 2013 I had my first round of chemo, and it is hard to believe I am done with all 8 rounds. July 5, 2013 was an important day for me, and it is over. In my mind, I am at mile 20 in this race. For those who have been at this point in a race know that things get tough here. In a marathon, you will always find a sign that says "Mile 20…you're almost there!!" Umm…not necessarily, ha. I actually get a little annoyed by these signs because you don't feel almost there, ha. It's still close to an hour left of running after your body has been going for maybe 3 hours or so. Close…but not mile 24 or 25 kind of close. The next phase of this race (final 6 miles-a 10k) will be grueling for several reasons: 1) I have to go 3-4 weeks with not treatment 2) Undergo and recover from major surgery 3) Recover from chemo or what they refer to as "chemopause". Surgery will be its own beast, and that in in itself will be difficult mentally and physically. I am closer to the road of remission, but I know it will take over the course of the year to fully recover from the ringer my mind, body, and soul experienced.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Ashton's and Brandy's Wedding:
Hesper, me, Kerri, and Amanda
Go Mustangs ;)

Ashton and me. Not just a good friend, but
he's like a brother to me :). Congrats amigo!

Home is where the heart is. Hmm..so how do I answer that question. Well, I've lived in Austin for almost 14 years, and it is my home. Yet, when I go to Corpus to visit my parents and family that is home too. Visiting Ingleside felt like home. When I am around different groups of my friends, no matter where we are at, I feel at home. So, I have learned that I have many homes. The only way I can define it is with the good ole phrase "Home is where the heart is." My heart is with so many people in so many places. My visit to Ingleside and Corpus was another reminder of that.

Z and Mitchell (Ashton's bro)
Good amigos too!

Good times-- Go Class of 97!
Travis, me, Drew, and Zach

The Cook Brothers

Z and Kerri-love these girls!

After my 7th round of treatment, Travis drove us to Corpus Chrisit, and I had such an awesome visit. I saw family, and I saw friends who I had not seen in years. Travis, Zelina, and I went to Ashton's wedding in Ingleside. I had not been to Ingleside in at least a few years. Travis finally got the opportunity to see the small town I grew up in. We told him not to blink-he would've missed all of "downtown!" The wedding was perfect…just what Ashton and Brandy wanted. I know I've talked about this before, but growing up in a small town affords unique friendships. Friendships you hold close to your heart. They are the kind of friendships where no matter the years, you just pick up where you left off. To visit and reconnect with friends I had not seen in years brought so much life and energy to my soul. I believe some of this energy boosted me with extra strength to get me through the weekend. So many laughs, hugs, smiles, reminiscing, and lots of fun! Shout out to my Ingleside peeps!

To see my Tia Norma was special. We share a special bond and sisterhood...we are warriors. She can truly connect with my state of mind and emotions because she's been there. She battled stage IV breast cancer. She had a 50/50 chance, and look at her now! She is an inspiration.

I also had the opportunity to visit with my Tia Norma, my cousins Steve, Jeanette, and Ashley. I had not see any of them since I began treatment, and again, our visit fueled me with a new breath of life. I had another visit that was very important to me. It was a visit I wanted and knew I had to make. I wanted to see my godfather/grandfather. I wanted Travis to meet him, and I wanted my grandfather to meet Travis. Unfortunately, Travis did not get to meet my grandmother, so I knew he had to at least meet my grandfather who is now 92 (he doesn't look it though!) I know at the beginning he was really worried about me, but I needed him to know I was going to be okay. We had such a good visit, and I was so happy! It was the perfect way to end our stay before getting on the road back to Austin. While it was a short visit home, I am so glad I was there to see loved ones.

Post Round 7

As for my 7th round of post-chemo....well, I will not bore you with the same details, but in case you were wondering….everything I experienced with my last treatment was the same. All the same side effects, all the same ups and downs, and all the same whines/complaints. I imagine the last round will be the same. As for my dosage, my oncologist did not change it. I understand why and respect that she kept it the same. For the last round, I was given the same high dosage of good ole taxol along with the shot. My last week of summer I will recover from treatment, then I will be back at work. Summer was not quite summer for me. I had more days of recovering than "good days." Oh well…I am willing to make this sacrifice in order to live a long, full, and healthy life! It was a blah week, but I had some things to look forward to along with some reminders to keep me positive with a fighting spirit.

My flowers from Travis

Travis stepped in quite a bit to be my caregiver most of the week. On Tuesday, he came over to bring me dinner and help out. AND...he surprised me with flowers!! He knew I was having a tough day and brought me roses and daisies. He got me flowers in Wonder Woman colors. I was so touched!! He also brought me my favorite cookie-chocolate chip peanut butter!! Isn't he the best boyfriend ever?!? On Wednesday, my friend Malinda came to visit, and it was so nice to catch up! I look forward to hanging out with Malinda again when she gets back from her pretty sweet vacation in St. Marteen. She SO deserves it. She worked her tail off this semester in her new position, so this trip is well overdue! Towards the end of the week, I had a lunch date with my friend Jane who always keeps me laughing! She is not only super funny, but when she shares stories about her two adorable kids, she puts me in tears! It was so nice to catch up and spend quality time with Jane and Malinda.

Travis and I at the prom with the Superhero Scholarship Winners!

Remember the prom I told you about? Well, on Saturday June 29th Travis and I attended the Superhero Kids prom. Superhero Kids is a non-profit organization that supports kids who have cancer or a blood disease. Here is the link to learn more about them- http://superherokids.org Samia asked if I would be a judge to select 3 candidates for college scholarships. This was one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do because each candidate was so deserving, but I was honored to do it. She also asked if Travis and I would present the winners at the prom...another honor! The scholarships were granted to seniors who are current or past Superhero Kids. The top candidate received $5,000 and the 2nd and 3rd place winners received $2500 each. Exciting, huh? The evening was great, and I was blown away by the positive energy around us. Cancer is hard for anyone who has to face the beast, but imagine being a student in school. Imagine having to deal with treatment, the side effects, the medical visits, and so much more all while trying to finish high school. These kids faced so many obstacles and through it all, they persevered to prove they can do whatever their hearts desired. For some, it was going to college. I was humbled and inspired on so many levels. It is a memory I will hold close to my heart.

The Big Week!

Cards from students at Ann Richards

The week of my last treatment was a busy week. Travis' family came in on Tuesday, and we took them to the Salt Lick. Afterwards, we went to see the famous Austin bats! I came home late that evening and found a package at my door. I received a gift from my friend Abby who is a counselor at Ann Richards. She not only left me a bag of goodies, but she also left me cards some of her students made for me. WOW…talk about streams of tears flowing down my face. Tears of happiness, inspiration, determination, and tears of laughter. The girls left me such amazing quotes and words of inspiration. One student made a card that said "I don't have any inspirational quotes, but play tic tac toe with a friend!" She made tic tac toe tables on the card…how cute is that?!?! While these are not my students, for me it was certainly a reminder of why I am in education. I love the spirit of kids of all ages. Even in the secondary world students are still kids at hearts. Education is a passion of mine, and I can't imagine doing anything else (even on my most trying days, ha).

My Hawk Family: Cassandra, Kate, me, Sabrina,
Kara, and Theresa

10th grade Team! No we did not plan the orange, ha.
That's how close we are ;)
Cassandra, me, and Sabrina

On Wedneday, I met up with friends from work at Shady Grove. We had such a great visit, and I was so happy to see them before my last round. I know I have talked about my work family, but again, I cannot say it enough, without their support, I would not have made it through juggling treatment and work. It means so much to me to work alongside such giving and heartfelt colleagues/friends.

Egger Family fun in Austin!

Fireworks at Horeshoe Bay

Wednesday afternoon, I met up with Travis and his family to visit UT, and we wrapped up the evening at one of our favorite restaurants-Matt's El Rancho. It was so nice to get to spend time with the Egger Family. The night before my last treatment which was 4th of July, I got to spend the night at Horeshoe Bay Marriot on Lake LBJ. I had never been out there, and it was so tranquil. We had a view of the lake, and it was breath taking. The day was absolutely perfect. I got to relax at the pool, had dinner, watched fire dancers, and then wrapped up with a fantastic fireworks display. The 4th of July had a whole new meaning to me this year. For me, it was not just about recognizing and appreciating the freedoms I have in this country, but also the freedom I was about to receive the next day. Free from sitting in a chair for hours being pumped with meds to help my body battle cancer. As I watched the fireworks, I picked out which fireworks were for me, ha! The next morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise over Lake LBJ, and I gazed outside the window to collect my thoughts. The last day of chemo---While I was relieved, I also had mixed emotions. There is always the thought…is 8 rounds enough? Did the 8 catch every and any cancer cell that may have traveled its way somewhere else? I can run this through my head over and over, but I have to tell myself-trust in God…only He knows. Not too shortly after thinking about this over and over again, I received a message from Travis' mom and got an email from my sister. Both had perfect timing. My sister's email reminded me of something I forgot. She reminded of some advice a friend gave me years ago about running the last 6 miles of a marathon. I was advised to dedicate each mile to someone to make it personal and battle it to the end. Here was my sister's email to me:

"I can't sleep..thinking of you...thinking of how I ran my first marathon, a friend advised you to dedicate the last six miles (?) to someone, & we chose uncle David & Aunt Norma. He'd be so proud of you, I know she is. You're coming in on the home stretch, & I just want to say, you're to be idolized! Your battle, your fight, your race, your marathon, your PR, is this! Hell of a job sister.

The sunset over Lake LBJ I woke up to for
the last day of treatment.

When we all would've understood if you wanted to just fall apart, you triumphed! I love you & I'm so proud of you! You are & always have been my hero. Dedicate & keep fighting for the ones who await results, their loved ones, the ones about to begin their battle, the ones still fighting, & the chosen who have faced defeat. I'll be thinking of you Wonder Woman..all my love!!"

I must stay strong because I have to admit...well, give you my true confession. For over 4 months, I have spent more days recovering from chemo than actually feeling normal. While I've had good days, they were minimal, and even in those good days, I was never quite 100 %. On my good days, I put a smile on my face and let you know I am good! For the most part I was, but quite honestly, I am tired mentally and physically. My body has been in a battle for over 4 months, and I still have much more to go. Now, I have to prepare for major surgery, but I also have to recover from chemo and accept that my body may not be the same again. It will take a year or longer to get past so many side effects from chemo. Here I was thinking that I'd get back to normal in a few months, but realistically, it will take much longer than that. While this is very discouraging for me, I am determined to overcome, but I know it won't be easy. I go back to work on July 15th, and I hate that don't feel rejuvenated and refreshed. Good lord I am tired of feeling sick!!! I am tired of not thinking clearly, feeling weak, and being jerked physically and mentally in so many directions. PHEW!! Egh, I could go on, but I will stop now, ha. Again, this is my confession, and as you can see, chemo has done a number on me. It's no joke, and while I am relieved to be done, this confession serves as another reason I shed so many tears. I am so grateful I had two of my very dear girlfriends with me Friday night. We used to be roommates, and it was like being in the Tea Rose house again (that was our street name). We laughed, cried, cried from laughing, and had a super fun girl's night. If Jane and Amber were not with me, I would've been a train wreck. I probably would have been in tears all night, ha.

I am glad Zelina reminded me of the last 6 miles of a marathon. I am hitting a wall, but her words helped me realize I am not only battling it out for myself, but for something more too...- "Dedicate & keep fighting for the ones who await results, their loved ones, the ones about to begin their battle, the ones still fighting, & the chosen who have faced defeat." Since my diagnosis, three people I know have died from cancer. Cancer does not discriminate nor does it have any prejudice. While we live in an imperfect world, it is diseases like this that allows our eyes to see the world and life through a different set of lenses. I have to stay focused, determined, and strong, and I still need my loved ones as I face surgery, recover, and recover for the next year as my body slowly adjusts to getting as close to normal as possible. For four months I've endured just about every side effect possible, and during most of it, worked and tried to keep a normal routine. As I look back now, I can only wonder how I did it, BUT I was never alone through it all! It was the blessings from God that got me through each day. These blessings include YOU....my family and friends.

THE FINAL ROUND!!!
http://youtu.be/AuULcVaMTf0
**Feel free to view...I think I should've wore sweatbands to treatment ;)

My certificate for completing 8 rounds of chemo!

My final meds and chemo

We met with Dr. Hellerstedt, and she laid out what the next few weeks would look like. I have several very important appointments coming up. I see my plastic surgeon on July 9th, breast surgeon July 15th, and July 18th I go for labs which will give my doctor an idea of when I will be ready for surgery. I should have a date confirmed by the end of July…at least I hope so! Our discussions were the same as before. Of course, the pending information is my pathology report. She informed me if I have any residual disease then the big question is radiation or chemo again. She emphasized my response to chemo has been good, so hopefully I won't have to do either, but we won't know for sure until I have surgery. Prayers I am in the clear! One last bit of information. As you recall from my last blog, I talked about neuropathy and how scary it can be. After my 7th round, I had a toe that went numb. I thought it would go away, but it stayed numb for weeks. I discussed this with my oncologist on Friday, and she asked me several questions such as whether or not it had compromised walking or running. I explained to her that I can feel my toe numb all the time, but the numbness has not bothered me with me workouts. As a matter of fact, I explained to her that I've ran with numb toes in long runs and during marathons so it didn't feel too much different. I guess my answer would've impacted whether or not I was going to get chemo because she said "Okay, we will move forward with treatment today." She also told me I would not get feeling back in my toe. I replied "okay," but in my head I wanted to say WAY more than that and ask more questions. My toe is numb and may never have feeling again…for the rest of my life? WHAT??? GREAT…chemo damaged my nerves! I told my Zelina, and of course, her response "Name your toe!" She asked which toe, and I told her it was my third toe on my left foot. I left her to the naming since she is my PR Commander and because she is witty and good with stuff like that. She named my numb toe Tres (spanish for 3, but not pronounced like you would in spanish, ha). It was good comic relief!

My certificate given to me
by the nurses and medical staff.

Throwing confetti to celebrate completion of chemo!

Travis spent the first part of my treatment with me, and then my friend Amber came to finish it out. It was the same stuff, but what I was not prepared for was the end. My nurse Beena, who is awesome, told me "Okay, Clarissa you are done!" Then she informed me they were going to celebrate. I was not sure what that was going to look like, then I saw a group of nurses and medical staff walk towards me with big smiles. I felt a huge lump in my throat, and thought I was going to break into tears right then. I did my best to hold the tears back…not sure why. I guess I felt like I had to be strong and not cry. They gave me a certificate, put pink beads around my neck, and threw confetti to "celebrate" my final treatment. Then the tears came. I gave my nurse a big hug, got my things together, and walked out of the infusion room. I am happy Amber was there to share the moment with me. As we walked out, I ran into one of my students. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks after me, and I am so glad she stopped me on the way out. Her mom is in remission now. It was such a pleasure to see her.

My nurse Beena. She took such good care of me. I broke down here :(

As I walked out of the building, I continued to cry. I told Amber I didn't think I was going to be so emotional. I had tears of happiness, tears of victory, tears of the unknown (again), and tears of the hardship I faced for over 4 months. Tears of how tired I am, and tears knowing I still have another major obstacle to face. It was a very emotional afternoon for me. It's still very emotional for me.

Reflecting. . .

Through the course of treatment, some of my days felt like an eternity, but I was grateful for each day of life. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know much so initially I felt like I had been given a death sentence. As you may recall from my first blog, it was a week of emotions with grieving being one of them. Of course, as I was more educated about my cancer and treatement in general, my outlook became one of determination. Determined to be a warrior like so many other women, and even more determined to overcome the "roadblock" placed on this journey we call life.

Life certainly has a whole new meaning to me. In life, so many times we are so rushed with the hustle and bustle of daily demands that we lose focus on the bigger picture. God knows I am guilty of it. I was guilty of being too focused on the days ahead or things that I could not control or were not in my control for that moment. I would end up wasting the days away and stressing over way too much. Geez, how many times have I done this? So many days wasted when I knew God wanted me to take in each day of life to it's fullest. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next…live for the day and all good things will come. I tried to do this, but often times I fell short. Though I know I will slip, after all I am human, this journey has taught me the importance to LIVE for each day. Every day we are given life, it is a precious gift from God. I am grateful for mine.

If I had not caught the cancer when I did, my diagnosis and journey would look so different. I do not forget I have an aggressive form of cancer. My cancer cells were dividing at 95%. Triple Negative Breast Cancer is a scary cancer to be diagnosed with, but it can also be defeated. I got past my tears, and I transformed into warrior woman mode because feeling sorry for myself was not going to do anything for me. I could not let "C" win! In a sense, I could not myself let me "...worry my life away." So, with that I leave you with an oldie, but goodie from Jason Mraz (who I am a huge fan of!). It's a song called "The Remedy." He wrote it for a friend who had cancer, and I can relate to this song on SO many levels. It is my song to close this part of my journey, but yet prepare me for the road I still have to travel.
http://youtu.be/lYfcJM-07BI

I have a very important part behind me---chemotherapy. God-willing, I will not have to undergo chemo again. Today I went in for my last shot, and as of yesterday, my body began to crash. Today the pain is more intense, so here it goes again. I will be spending my last week of summer vacation recovering from chemo. What fun, right?! Don't you wish you were me ;) J/K! Surgery is almost here so I will keep you posted.

I feel so in debt to you. Your outpour of support and prayers carried me this far. While I am not at the end, I am SO close! Please stay with us. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

Much love to you,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman

My Unforeseen Journey

Friday, July 19, 2013

Closing Into The Finish Line

Monday, July 8, 2013

Deuces Chemo!

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