Adios 2013

These are all the scarves/bandanas I wore through treatment

A new year brings a new chapter to my unforeseen journey, but for now, I give you my farewell…my final blog---Adios 2013. 

When I began blogging, I compared my journey to a race. It was and still is a different kind of marathon. I spent a great deal of time thinking of how to begin and wrap up this final blog for 2013. Quite honestly, I had a hard time finding the right words and thoughts, but I guess that goes to show how overwhelming it was for me this year.  To say this is my final blog for 2013 strikes a great deal of emotion and intensity. 2013 changed me, my life, and the lives of my loved ones forever.

So…what to write…my first thought…. "Oh, I can totally write this as a dear john letter!" It could go something along the lines of…

Dear 2013,

It's been REAL…and I say that literally! 2013…what it comes down to is--well, it's not you, it's me. This isn't working for me. We're over!

Then, I think-really….I can't be COMPLETELY mad at 2013. I don't look to blame or search for all the why's and what ifs'. I can only do what I've been doing-accepting life for it's challenges (though it's not always easy) surprises, setbacks, but with that also comes celebrations, successes, and a plethora of blessings!

One evening I read all of my blogs, and once I got passed editing and catching all grammatical and spelling errors, I had many moments of asking myself "what the hell happened?!" I'd even stop and say out loud "Clarissa really?!" You worked on that day…or you ran that day-crazy head!! While I am still growing in my faith, I can tell you this, and I believe I've stated this before, there is a power much stronger than us. I may not be able to fully explain it, you just have to believe and have faith when I say, God is responsible for all I was able to do. He knows our journey and placed the family and friends I have knowing that my  life journey would take on a major challenge. I did my best to make life as normal as possible, and I was able to do so because God blessed me with ridiculously awesome family and friends! I have the BEST support system anyone could ask for. 


Monday January 21st, 2013 was the day my unforeseen journey began. February 5, 2013 it was a official. I crossed the start to a different kind of marathon-I had breast cancer.

There is an exhaustive list of memories-good and not so good, but there is one day that still comes to me now and then. l remember being so angry and grieved about my illness. A few days after my diagnosis I had a personal intervention. I remember the day very clearly. My parents, Zelina, and the dogs were downstairs. Everyone was up and moving around, and I hit a major low. The kind of low where it hurt so bad I was numb to it, so I snuck up to the guest room with Cassie Mae and shut my door. I laid down, curled up, and cried my heart out. The tears of hurt, uncertainty, pain, and the unknown consumed my heart and soul. It was the dream you wished was a dream, but no….it was real. It was almost too real. I'll never forget looking at Cassie and asking her "Cas, did you know?" The way she looked at me told me she did. Cas was little miss independent and was affectionate when she wanted to be. Months before my diagnosis, I noticed she cuddle up by me more than normal. I thought she was being more needy, but I truly believe she wanted to be closer to me because she knew her momma was sick. Love my lil fur angel :)

Turkey Chase-Thanksgiving 2013
Travis was 3rd in his age group…and won a turkey trophy!

I was pretty sickly that year to year and half before my diagnosis. One day at work I was talking to two of my friends/colleagues, and I shared with them something I had not said out loud. When friends or family asked why I ran or would choose to run during treatment, I always knew why. It wasn't just for the obvious reasons, but for a reason I didn't always share. I ran a lot before I was diagnosed. From 2011-2013, if I wasn't training for a marathon, I was running half-marathons or other races. A year ago around this time when I was training for Houston, I would get frustrated because there were days my body felt like it just couldn't go. I knew I was in shape…why I couldn't I just GO?! After a long run, it would take me the whole day to recover. Overall, I was more tired than normal and attributed my low energy to my life and hours at work. Now that I look back, it is no wonder why my body couldn't go! It was like my body was saying "Giiirrll…you got cancer up in heerre! Slow down!!" I was able to set a PR in the Houston Marathon, but during all those long work days, long runs, and crazy weeks, my body was fighting a battle I had yet to learn about.

By the time I found the lump and was diagnosed, I had two tumors in my right breast. The fact it had not spread to my lymph nodes was a blessing. After all the countless miles and many races I ran, I would like to believe running saved my life. Maybe…just maybe the running positively impacted my overall survival. So, on those days when I could've stayed home feeling sorry for myself, I got up…and I RAN! I highly recommend watching this video. It's a good representation of the many races I faced this year and the years passed…
***Once the video is over, you can stop it. No need to listen to the guy after, ha.

http://www.runnerspace.com/video.php?video_id=64548#ooid=g4dzhpNDp-rRybpyH_lw9xRCCghTLulY

Many of you saw me at my weakest-mentally and physically. Life has taught me valuable lessons, but I must confess-I am still guilty of getting overwhelmed, stressed, less patience, getting caught up in the flow, etc. I attribute part of it to my chemo brain, and the other part to plan ole "I'm still learning." I've been through the ringer, but I am better about stopping for a personal intervention to get my focus back and remind myself of the bigger picture…reflect-deep breath-visualize---what is most important in life. When I am stressed and anxious, I'm thinking too far into the future. When I am depressed, I am thinking about the past. When I can lay back and smile, I am living in the present. Honestly, these are not my words…I stole this from Robin Roberts, but she stated it perfectly. It is VERY TRUE. So when I get anxious or depressed, I stop and say "Clarissa, live in the present…live for TODAY!!"

Fashionista? Yes…it's the new trend
compression sleeve and glove :)

As for my medical stuff, I finished physical therapy on December 17th, but they have not discharged me yet. About mid November I began to have problems with some swelling and achiness in my arm, so I am in a compression sleeve and looking at other options for lymphedema prevention. I don't have it, and I don't want it! My physical therapist told me I have one spot that looks and feels like it could turn into lymphedema so I am making every effort to give it extra TLC. Prayers my body heals and pushes the nastiness out of my lymphatic system so there is no lymphedema. Another example of how the fun never stops for me! Good time, eh?

The awesome Flexitouch
massage gadget…fun stuff!

My next surgery which I will refer to as "the switch" is set for January 30th. I will be out of work for 2 weeks max and go back to the recovering, healing, and transition process. Overall I've managed to stay relatively healthy, but there is lots of maintenance in my life…and I am not exaggerating…like chingos of maintenance. It can be consuming, tiresome, and frustrating, but I have to remind myself it is the trade-off I was given. The last visit I had with my oncologist went well. My white blood cell count dropped, but it's expected. My body is in the rebuilding process. I am slowly learning through many trials and errors on what works and doesn't work for me overall. I will see her again, along with my breast surgeon, in February.

As for 2013….well….

2013 I love you, but I hate you. 
You broke my heart. 
You mended my heart. 
I shed countless tears. 
I counted many blessings. 
You changed my soul forever. 
My physical and invisible scars will haunt me forever. 
They are also my celebrations. 
You transformed me into a warrior. 
You transformed my loved ones into co-survivors.
They're stronger for it.
I'm stronger for it. 
Yep~All women can do wonder if they're put to the test. 

There ya go. That's my rare poetic moment for you, ha! Honestly, these were just random thoughts that came to me on the days my mind would race, and I just couldn't turn it off. As we look into the new year, we always look at the positive ways to change our lives and be better people. I have a list myself, ha. What is most important for me this year is to LIVE. Live in the moment. Live for today. Live for tomorrow. Live each day like it's going to be "The Best Day Of My Life." Thank you American Authors for writing such an awesome song. Love the song and its meaning. The clip captures some of the many treasured memories from this year. 

**(First video you can play on your laptop or iPad. Second video is for your mobile phone. Sorry if you have issues…not super tech saavy, ha)

Happy New Year to you and yours. I've been waiting for you 2014! Thank you for coming along for the ride, and if you are willing, then stay tuned for My Unforeseen Journey 2014. 



Much Love to You,
Clari
**Yep-that's me! Told ya Wonder Woman is my super hero…LOVED her as a kid :)
And no…don't know what's up with the pom poms, haha.