Survivorship-It's Still a Journey

Exhausted...that's how I am feeling. Between wrapping up chemo, major surgery, and now recovering from all of it...yep-physically and mentally EXHAUSTED. At this point, I have all my drains out, and the pain pump was also removed. The removal of all the extra on my body made life easier.  I get a little bit stronger each day, but I have a long ways to go. 

Last Saturday, I was able to get ready-BY MYSELF! Shower..wash my face...getting dressed-all of it. It took me over an hour, but I was able to do it. Then I would go back to rest on the awesome recliner that my friend Jane (and her familia) was so generous in lending me. Just the getting ready routine wore me out. Like chemo, I am easily fatigued and do not have much strength or endurance. Seriously...it's been the little things, such as working on fine motor skills, that have been my focus. I was also able to walk up and down the stairs without holding onto the rail. Yesterday, I was able to slowly open a car door and slowly put my own seatbelt on. How about that?! Just some examples to give you a visual of what life has been like for me that past couple of weeks. By the way, I sleep in the recliner every night. I look forward to the day I can sleep normal and in a bed again.


Earlier in the week I saw Dr. Haydon, my plastic surgeon, and I was a bit nervous because this was the visit where the dressings on my breasts would be removed. He and the nurse began pulling off the dressing they placed on me during surgery and my stomach dropped. I could not feel anything! Most of my chest area, including underneath my arms, is numb. Once the dressing was off I tried to look down, but I couldn't see anything. While I was waiting on the table, I was anxious about the extra cc's he was putting in to do another expansion. I asked if it would hurt, and he informed me I have no feeling in my chest, so I will more than likely never feel the needle that is inserted through my breast into the expander. He was right. Dr. Haydon said it may be a year or so before I begin to get feeling in my chest area and under my arm. WOW. I am seeing him on a weekly basis, and let me just say...even though it didn't hurt when he put the cc's in, it hurt like hell after!! I've been extra sore ever since so not really looking forward to Monday's appointment. 

Once I got home, in pain, I decided I needed to face what was underneath the dressing. I went to the restroom, took a gander...paused...no reaction...took another look-then my eyes began to water. I looked into the mirror and saw all of my battle scars for the first time. It was overwhelming and emotional, but like many of the too serious moments in my life, I had to bring in some comical relief and thought of what my friend Shermance once said (breast cancer survivor)....I have "frankenboobs" haha. Oh well! I know with time it will not look that way. Outside of my comical moments, I still have fragile moments...really many feelings I can't put into words right now. I mentally remind myself-"Clarissa...these are your battle scars...it's a beautiful thing." 

Basically, I am still in recovery mode which is a long and slow process. Currently, I have more soreness and discomfort. Quite honestly...I feel like I am recovering to run another "different kind of marathon" because there is another race ahead of me....Survivorship.

On Thursday I saw Dr. Helleterstedt, and we discussed the grand moment of my final pathology. I asked her about the outcome for patients who receive a complete pathological response. She informed me that 95% of patients who have a cPR do not have a reoccurrence and 5 % of patients do have a reoccurrence. She said "Clarissa, this is the best we can do. It's the A+ you get in class. It's the best pathology report you can get." Of course, that made me all the more happy so I shared how I couldn't believe how much took place in just 6 months. That's such a short time." It was at this moment the mood changed. Not a negative mood shift, but a "realistic" shift that only my oncologist could do. 

"Clarissa, this is what I tell patients. You still have to get through survivorship. This takes time." Ouch...I thought I was going to cry. She didn't hurt my feelings by no means, but what she did do is make me understand that just because I am currently "cancer free" does not mean my journey is over. Because I've already had cancer, I am never 100% in the clear. She reminded me that there is still another phase I am about to enter, and I have yet to even think about it!! All I ever thought about was I am cancer free, surgery, recovery, remission let's move on! NOPE...it's not that easy. It's more complex than I thought!

When I left her, she gave me a big hug, and I walked out of there with more on my mind than when I walked in. It's also a little scary knowing I will not see her again until November. Yep, I am on the "surveillance" plan. I will see Dr. Hellerstedt every 3 months for the first year which includes lab work each time I go in for a visit. I was used to seeing them weekly, and now I have to adjust to the new schedule.  I have to survive the recovery from cancer...treatment...reoccurrence...surgery...and so much more. Something else I have to survive...lyphedema. Egh...yes, it's a permanment condition, and patients can get it anytime during their lifetime, but it is more likely in the first year or so. Patients who undergo surgery and have lymph nodes removed are at risk for it. You should google it...the first time I heard about it, I wasn't worried about it. Now, that I've had surgery with 5 lymph nodes removed on my right, I am pretty paranoid about the darn condition! So, we talked about that too. For the rest of my life, I can't have blood drawn from my right arm, blood pressure can't be taken on my right arm, any type of cuts/burns, etc have to be given extra TLC so I don't get an infections. Infections can trigger the condition. I also have to get fitted for a compression sleeve. My right are is off limits, ha! I have to say I have been pretty proactive in trying to initiate what I can do now to prevent my risks. I start physical therapy next week, and I am also planning on getting lymphatic massages. 

While I am focused right now on my healing, I have to admit, I am bit overwhelmed with everything I have ahead of me. This is the moment where I was reminded that cancer changes your life forevever. This first year I have to take extra care of myself mentally and physically. Dr. Hellerstedt really stressed that. Phew...ok. Diet and exercise...I got that-no problem. I plan to be even BETTER about it. The part I am really going to have to work on is the mental stuff especially when I am under high levels of stress. I HAVE to be better at coping and controlling my stress levels-not a choice here.  As for cancer reoccurrence...I will not live my life thinking the cancer will come back. I will move forward continuing to live as a fighter. I will "Be Brave and Keep Going." I am happy to be in remission, but my unforeseen journey is not over. 

I will continue to see Dr. Haydon on a weekly basis. This past week, I've been practicing on small day to day tasks I couldn't do before. I've also taken short walks to build on strength and endurance. Literally...short walks. At one point I could only walk about 100 meters. Now, I can walk up to 400 meters. One time around my complex is a quarter mile. I've worked up to slowly walking that 2 times in a day. My goal is to walk 4 times in a day to equal a mile. Dr. Haydon told me it will be at least a couple of more weeks before I can do any aerobic activity, so when I see him Monday, I am hoping he will at least allow me to do a nice slow walk for at least 2 miles. Really--I can't wait for the day I can run again!!! We shall see...

OH! Here are some random updates: my hair is beginning to grow back. The hair on my head feels like peach fuzz. And...while chemo was super hard, I have to say I will miss the "laser treatment" effect it had on my body since March. Goodbye laser treatment----Hello again waxing and shaving-boo : /. I haven't had any hot flashes-whoohoo! My taste buds work again.  It's the little things :)

My parents went back to Corpus yesterday and took my Cassie Mae with them. Oh did I shed some tears as they left! I hated to see her leave, but with my parents gone, I physically can't walk her and keep up with her needs. It just broke my heart. I know Cassie's company will make my parents happy. They just love her, and of course, she just loves her abuelos. 

Still going one day at at time...
Thanks again for your positive thoughts, messages, and support! Keep them coming....I still have a long ways to go!

Much Love to YOU,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test"~Wonder Woman

On The Road to Remission

Last week during this time there was a party going on in my tummy! I was so nervous, Travis and Zelina went with me to do a walk/jog at my sanctuary-Town Lake.  It's hard to believe the surgery is complete, I'm in recovery, and I'm on the road to remission!!

The night before surgery: Finally, my GI Jane (AKA-GI Rissa-thanks Heather!) moment. I could hardly
do a one-arm push up!

The recovery is extremely hard, and like I've told many people, this is the most pain and discomfort I've ever had to endure. I can think of four times in my life I cried from pain, and two of those times took place in the hospital. I was in the hospital for 3 full days, and I almost thought I was going to be there for a 3rd night. Luckily, they gave me medication for nausea through my IV, and it did the trick. 

The night before surgery...gett'n ready
to kick cancer in the booty!

I checked in for surgery at 5 AM on Wednesday morning. I was ready, but nervous. The two hours before surgery went quick! My friend Robin, my parents, Zelina, and Travis were there with me. Before I knew it, the anesthesiologist came in and so did Dr. Martinez. I was moments away! I had a setback...of course I would! The RN who set up my IV did something wrong because my forearm began swell up, so they pulled it out and tried to put it in my hand. OUCH!! I was already nervous, and the thought of we need to find a spot for her IV...really?!?! Finally, the RN anesthesiologist took care of it, and I was on my way. Dr. Martinez was in the operating room when they rolled me in. I have to say...the more I get to know her, but the more I admire her. She was not warm and fuzzy when I first met her, but over time she warmed up and showed me another side to her. The day of surgery she certainly showed her true colors. As I was getting prepped in the operating room, she held my hand and my arm. In a very nurturing manner, she rubbed my arm until I was out. Her kind gesture meant the world to me. 

My room was cold so the
WW snuggie was a hit!

In my room pre-surgery.
I am wearing the princess crown
Kylie, Travis' niece, made for me.

Of course when I woke up I was really groggy and completely out of it. My family was there, and so was Mrs. Peel. I remember her telling me the surgeon said my lymph nodes looked clear..."that's what we want!" She's a breast cancer survivor. It's a sisterhood you don't choose, but when it's all said and done, it's one you take pride in. I also discovered my 4 drains and pain pump with a catheter. I was packed like a unabomber, ha. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. Zelina stayed with me the first night, and Travis stayed with me the second night. It was quite the experience. The drains are gross, but help with healing. They have to be emptied out twice a day. All these things on me make life extremely difficult. Luckily yesterday, I had two drains removed-thank God! Yesterday was also the first day I was able to eat 2 full meals. For most of the week I could only stomach crackers-yummy, huh? And showering...psh! I hate doing that (for now, ha). It took me over an hour to walk up the stairs, prep for the shower, get prepped again after, walk down the stairs, and lay down. Far from fun. On Sunday I tried to take a shower on my own, and it wore me out and made me sick. I was shot for the rest of the day. Like chemo, I am weak and can't do much for myself. Actually, I am more restricted now than I was during treatment. I can't even open a pill bottle!! Good grief! BUT...I was able to walk more yesterday, and I am walking without the ridiculous belt I was given. I had to wear a belt when I walked for safety. Someone had to hold it as I walked, and I felt silly. At the hospital Travis joked with me and said "You are kinda like Coach now...I walk you...I feed you...and I take you  to the restroom, ha!" Literally, that's what he did. In the hospital, I couldn't hold anything in my hand so he would break small pieces of crackers and feed me. He would do the same with jello and anything I had to drink. I won't even go into the whole restroom issues, ha! If you come for a visit, I'll share funny hospital stories with you.  

Day 1 at home with Cassie
at my side. 

Each day I gather a little more strength, but I have a long ways to go. I knew this would be hard, and it's NO JOKE! I am miserable and tired, but I dig deep. It's not always easy though. However, something yesterday made me look ahead to refocus and stay motivated.

The bear my nephew brought me!
I love it...he was up to shenanigans
at the hospital ;)

Yesterday I had my post-op with Dr. Martinez. Going into my appointment I knew I would be receiving my final pathology report. I had a good feeling, but mentally prepared myself for worse case scenario. Dr. Martinez's assistant told me they had good news, and she printed the pathology report and gave it to us. As Travis read it, I waited for Dr. Martinez. She came in with a big smile on her face. Dr. Martinez simply stated "they found no cancer." A little confused I looked at her again, and she informed us that the pathologist reviewed 60 slides and reviewed them twice. I had a what the medical world calls a "complete pathological response." Just one of the many benefits to doing chemo first. Basically, chemo did the job!! My tumors went from shrinking with chemo to nothing!! NO CANCER IN MY BREAST TISSUE!! It wasn't only the chemo, but I truly believe the power of prayers gave me these results! I cried...I am shedding tears now, ha. 

Six months ago I was not only told I had cancer, but I was told I had an aggressive form of breast cancer-triple negative. My cancer cells were dividing at 95%, and my only treatment options were surgery and chemotherapy. Here I am six months later sharing with you that the cancer is gone, and I am in remission! My body has been through the ringer, and I feel pretty beat up, but like Dr. Martinez said...it was worth all the work.

My "hombre"nails. Think it's
polish? Nope-these are
my chemo nails. 

I know I've thanked you, but honestly, I don't know that I even have the words to express how thankful I am for your love, support, prayers, and positive thoughts. Like I've said before, my medical team is awesome, but it certainly does not compare to my team of family and friends. I also thank you for not only supporting me, but also for your love and support for Travis, Cassie Mae, and my family. It was, and still is, a journey for them. I also thank you with all my heart for the messages while I was in the hospital. They brought me happy tears as I read them. My family and friends mean the world to me, and I was already honored to have you in my life, but I am certainly all the more honored to have you along my side during this unforeseen journey. 

So what next? Well, my recovery is long and slow, and I still have more reconstructive procedures including one more surgery. I am spending the next few weeks to a month recovering so I am fully healed. As for treatment, thanks be to GOD I AM DONE! I see my oncologist on August 22nd, so I will get more updates from her. I am moving forward to build my strength, slowly get life back to normal, and focus on staying cancer free. I will continue with blogs as I begin this new chapter-remission. Like my cousin Steve said "Here's to new beginnings...!"

Much Love to You,

Clari

"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman

Strides Away from the Finish Line...Can You See It?

It's hard to believe how chemo can change you in less than 6 months.

I cannot believe the day is here. On Wednesday August 7th at 9:30 A.M my life will change forever. A new chapter in this journey will begin-REMISSION!!


When I started this blog, I used the analogy of running a marathon with this journey. Like I've said before, I am by no means an elite runner, and I still have so much to learn about running marathons and other challenging races, but what I do know is how to push mentally and physically through moments of weakness. Marathons challenge the body and mind, and I knew my unforeseen journey would challenge me in the same way.  

Celebrating at Brewster Street
Michelle and me :)

For reasons I will never quite understand, only certain people are selected for this "race" you don't get to sign up for. You don't have a training plan ...there is no race course to view, and the "swag" bag looks VERY different, ha. It's not a choice, but the choice you do have is how you start, maintain, and finish. It is a different kind of marathon, and it is by far the hardest I've ever had to endure. I am always looking to PR in anything I run, but I can say there will be no PR compared to this one. Running is emotional, and BY GOLLY so is dealing with cancer! I know...nothing ground breaking. Yep...this PR is personal, and this PR will impact me for the rest of my life. Quite honestly, it will define me. I am not saying that I am branded by cancer in a negative way, but rather, carrying with me my internal and external battle scars. These scars are reminders of how I had to battle the big "C". It's also about the many lessons I learned day in and day out. It's about life. It's about the kindness and care I saw from others. It made me closer to God.  It's about how I am a stronger woman for it.  Cancer slowed me down. It made me appreciate life more. It made me appreciate the little things I took for granted. It made me understand I am not always in control, and that's okay. I could go on...I think you get the idea ;) Throughout these past 6 months, I envisioned a strong finish with all of you as my support cheering me along one mile at a time. Well, the moment is finally here. I am about to cross the finish line...can you see it?...can ya see me?!!

Brother and sisters!
We are missing Zelina :(
Me, Albert, Adriana, and Michelle

Last night I read my first blog I sent to you, and it brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness, but of many emotions. It's really not my strenght that carried me over the past 6 months. It was (and still is) the outpour of strength you showered me with from the moment I shared my diagnosis with you. It was the power and special work of God who brought YOU into my life, and it is also the work of God who has carried me to battle this darn thing! Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart...thank you for taking time to read my thoughts and updates, thank you for checking in, thank you for your positive thoughts, thank you for your support, thank you for the thoughtful gifts and cards, and thank you for prayers. Whether you are a spiritual person or religious person, there is something and someone beyond us.

My twin!! I didn't know how
much my brother and I looked alike
until I lost my hair, ha!

The past few weeks have been extremely busy. I went back to work, and it felt great to get in a routine and push my brain to exercise in a different capacity. During this time many people asked I how felt about surgery...well...

Prior to today, I was more occupied with the "to-do's" and prepping for the big day. Every now and then I would get a little nervous about surgery, but I was too busy with so many other things. I was focused on getting as much taken care of as possible so I didn't have to worry about it later. However, I knew the days drawing closer may be different. I was right, ha!

Friday Aug 2nd was my last day at work. I was leaving early to get on the road for my brother's wedding in Corpus Christi. I always wake up feeling okay, but Friday was a little bit different. I was excited about the weekend, but the anxiety started to set in. Nothing about second thoughts on my decisions for the type of procedures I am having, but more so on surgery itself. I check-in at 7:30 AM on Wednesday, so those 2 hours before will be another moment recorded as one of the "longest moments of my life!!" I've had surgeries before, but not MAJOR surgery. I've also never been under for that long (4+ hours), so yes...this weekend I was freak'n out a little bit inside, ha! 

Jamming and raising the roof to music and fireworks!

Spending time with family helped with my nerves. Friday night we went to see the Spazmatics where we danced and sang our hearts out to 80's and 90's music. The evening was a pre-wedding celebration, my cousin Rene's birthday celebration, and I asked if I could crash the party with a pre-remission celebration too, haha! There was even a fireworks display at the Whataburger fields. I joked with my sister Michelle and said "Oh, ya'll shouldn't have...fireworks..thank you!!" So, yes I pretended the fireworks were for my pre-remission celebration. I even ran into friends as I was leaving the concert...it was such a pleasant surprise!! 

Reunited!! Danny, Bebe, me and Monica

Of course, Saturday was a big day---wedding day! It was a fun evening spent with family and friends celebrating Albert and Magda's new life together! It was a blast, and of course, our family is all about dancing, music, good company, good food, and mariachis :). For two nights I was up til 1 AM (this is a rare occassion!), and while I was extremely exhausted, I was ever so thankful to get to spend quality time with family before this major event in my life. 

It was good to be busy because I was stressing over the weekend. While this is far from a strength, I do an excellent job of internalizng my stress, ha. I am doing my best to ask God for the strength to let the fears and anxiety go and release it to Him so I can feel at peace inside. It's hard, but I am trying!

Alvarado's!!---Go hard or go home ;)

Don't get me wrong...there is excitement too! I don't forget that Wednesday is my second birthday, and I am thrilled to be able to tell people "I AM IN REMISSION!" I look forward to getting back to some normalcy. I know that recovery will be hard, but like I've said before, I think I am past the hardest part.

So, to kinda recap for you---I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. In case you are wondering...here is a summary of the procedure:
Dr. Martinez, my breast surgeon, will do the mastectomy first. It's also a skin sparing mastectomy so she is only taking out breast tissue along with 2 lypmphnodes. The lymphnodes will be tested to determine if the cancer spread to my lymphatic system. Once she takes out all of my breast tissue along with any cancer that is in the tissue, Dr. Haydon steps in and finishes the surgery. He will begin reconstructive surgery and place tissue expanders which will be filled in with so many CCs of saline. Tissue expanders are like temporary implants.  When I wake up, I will not be completely flat. Yes...I am getting a "boob" job, ha! Million dollar question....wondering if I am going to go a bit bigger? Maybe ;) Here's a little something for you...it's fun and random, but funny! Travis suggested it ( I know he was kidding) so I am sharing! Maybe we can have a party like this in my hospital room?
http://youtu.be/xVkU8dDSC9w

I am not sure how I will react when I am awake and alert, but I am prepared to have a breakdown. I don't think all of this has completely hit me full on yet, so I am keep telling myself "Clarissa...it's gonna come...be prepared!" I don't have second thoughts about my decision, but it's still emotional. I chose to go more radical for several reasons: 
1) Researches and doctors are still learning quite a bit about triple negative breast cancer.
2) In the years ahead, I am not 100% completely in the clear of breast cancer, SO I have to know I did everything possible when I had the opportunity.
3) Simply stated, I don't want to do this again.

A pathology report will completed, and I will get results within 5 days. The report is extremely important. It will determine my final staging after chemo, and it will determine if I am in the clear or will need additional treatment. If I need more treatment, I am okay with that. Not that is was fun or anything, but I am all about doing what they gotta do to clear me of cancer. Again, it only takes one cancer cell...yes just one cell to effect another area in my body with cancer. UMMM....NO THANK YOU! If pathology looks good..then I am DONE!! Because my cancer is triple negative, I don't have to take medication or do any type of hormone therapy. The only things left for me will be be reconstructive procedures which includes another surgery to place the final implants. 

Well...in less than 48hours I get so stay at the luxurious all-inclusive St. David's Hospital on 32nd street ;). While I wish I was really checking into a resort, I will settle for surgery so that sometime in the future, I can do it up all-inclusive resort style! I am getting things together like my hospital bag, and I am making a hospital mix for my iPod. A little bit of everything will be on my mix: mariachi loco, Ave Maria, Blurred lines, Thriftshop, Wake Up, Knights of Cydonia, Danger Zone, Three Little Birds, Over the Rainbow, and so much more!! I will also have special items with me to keep me comfortable. One of these items is a very special guardian angel given to me by my Aunt Ana. My uncle's battle with stomach cancer ended almost seven years ago. When he was in treatment, he was given a guardian angel. My aunt told me she knew he would want me to have it. She gave it to me this past Saturday, and of course, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I am taking it with me on Wednesday. I know I have very special guardian angels watching over me. I will be in the hospital for 1-2 nights.  Also, during surgery Mr. Roboto will be removed. Our time together has come to an end. I know---it's sad. Here's to you Mr. Roboto! http://youtu.be/Gbkhla8Ivlk

How perfect is this card!!
Thanks again Malinda!

 Once I am released I will get to go home and take on the challenge of recovery and dealing with drains (gross). 

I know I am in good hands. I trust my surgeons and know they are going to take good care of me, but I am still nervous! Please say a special prayer not just for me, but for Travis, my family, and for the doctors, surgeons, and medical staff who will be taking care of me. We will do our best to send it out updates within the first week. In the mean time, you are welcome to check in with us. Again, thank you a million times over. I'll see ya at the finish line!! Share the moment with me, view, and celebrate!
http://youtu.be/Jmd4OLzhQw0

Much love to you,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman

From friends at work:
A Wonder Woman Snuggie!
I had no idea they had them!

Austin Race for the Cure is November 1oth. Our team name is "Bros and Bras." If you are able, please join us. My Care Calendar Commander, Amber Laroche, is the team captain, and I thank her taking the initiative to coordinate a team. 

http://austin.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/AUS_AustinAffiliate?fr_id=3486&pg=entry


Houston family and friends: Houston Race for the Cure Houston is Oct. 5th. Zelina's friend, Stephanie Jaramillo, has a team as well "The Rack Pack." She asked if they could do this in my honor, so I invite you to join. God willing, I can at least walk it! I hope you can join too. So honored and thankful Stephanie coordinated a team as well. 

To access Clarissa Alvarado's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/ logon/145353 and enter
the following information in the appropriate spaces:

     CALENDAR ID   :   145353
     SECURITY CODE :   5667

Closing Into The Finish Line

Where should I begin? Hmm...well, things just got fast and furious again, but I am more than READY! Let me just cut to the chase!! I could go through the fun details of recovery from my last round of chemo, but I decided to spare you the details (same stuff...different day/week) and get to the good stuff!! 

Yesterday was a big day for me. I went in for lab work which was basically going to give my oncologist a snapshot of whether or not my body will be ready for surgery. According to my oncologist my blood work came back "GREAT!" My white blood cell count was high, and my hemoglobin bumped up 1 point. Last visit I was at a 9, and yesterday I was at a 10.7!! Jumping up one point is a big deal….1 point equals 1 pint of blood!! I am bouncing back-YES!!! She gave me the go and said my body will be more than ready. Family and friends, my surgery is set for Wednesday August 7th. I check in at 7:30 AM to St. David's Hospital on 32nd street. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Surgery will last 4-5 hours, and I will be in the hospital 1-2 nights. The recovery doesn't sound fun, but after yesterday's news AND after my experience with chemo, I have the attitude of "I GOT THIS!"

Okay, so here is the biggie...the part of my visit that jolted me with a new attitude and energy. I asked my oncologist when I was officially in remission. She explained remission, and said "Clarissa, you will be in remission on August 7th." Basically, when they roll me out of the operating room, REMISSION BEGINS!! I have declared August 7th my second birthday :). I can't believe the day is so close!! I walked into Texas Oncology with the same face-no expression and reminded..."Oh yeah..I almost forgot--I have cancer-grr," BUT I walked out of Texas Oncology with so much weight off my shoulders and felt a whole new energy! Energy I have not felt since before my diagnosis. I didn't know whether I should cry...jump up and down...fist pump?! Instead, I walked away with a big smile on my face and let the news sink in...In two weeks, I will be on the road to remission. Thank you God the day is almost here!!!

I drove away and ran my unforeseen journey over and over in my head. It is hard to believe that in a matter of 5 months so much took place to bring me where I am at today. I was able to share the news with colleagues at work, and it was during this time the news from my appointment really hit home (and yes--I shed some tears). It became very real that I am "here." The place that seemed so out of reach on February 5th.  It was kinda like my last day of chemo...I didn't realize how emotional it would make me. Yesterday, the emotions were similar only I had more happy tears and a boost of confidence. 

Last night Travis and I went to our favorite spot, Matt's El Rancho, to celebrate the news. We picked a good night because mariachis were playing. As some of you know, I absolutely LOVE mariachis!! I believe they should be a part of any pachanga. It is music for my soul!! I am convinced God threw in a special request because just a few minutes after sitting in the restaurant they began to play Las mananitas. How appropriate with my "second birthday" coming up ;)!! It warmed my heart, and it made me miss my family. In case you don't know the song...

http://youtu.be/f-QlwwGBf94

August 7th still scares me, and it still makes me nervous, but my feelings of confidence and strength outweighs the others. My recovery from surgery will not be fun either, but at this point I feel like I am past the hardest part. Chemo was NO joke!

Over the next couple of weeks, I am doing my best to stay healthy and strong. Earlier in the week I was so excited to jog 3 miles! I took 2 short walk breaks, but that was the most I've been able to run since beginning of May!! I have a big day coming up, so I have to detox and prepare myself physically and mentally. I will also be able to attend my brother's wedding. I was not sure whether or not I could go due to surgery, but thanks be to God it all worked out! I will get to spend quality time with family before the big day. 

As always, I thank each of you for the outpour of support you have not only given me, but to Travis and my family. I ask for your continued prayers and thoughts as I enter into this next phase. I will send out another blog before my second birthday...August 7th :)

I leave you with one of my favorite songs. I love it, and it makes me happy! And--I think I will have to listen to it the morning of the "big day."
http://youtu.be/CJTTmSYIcyU

Much love to you,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman 

Deuces Chemo!

In the chair for the last time!

On March 28th, 2013 I had my first round of chemo, and it is hard to believe I am done with all 8 rounds. July 5, 2013 was an important day for me, and it is over. In my mind, I am at mile 20 in this race. For those who have been at this point in a race know that things get tough here. In a marathon, you will always find a sign that says "Mile 20…you're almost there!!" Umm…not necessarily, ha. I actually get a little annoyed by these signs because you don't feel almost there, ha. It's still close to an hour left of running after your body has been going for maybe 3 hours or so. Close…but not mile 24 or 25 kind of close. The next phase of this race (final 6 miles-a 10k) will be grueling for several reasons: 1) I have to go 3-4 weeks with not treatment 2) Undergo and recover from major surgery 3) Recover from chemo or what they refer to as "chemopause". Surgery will be its own beast, and that in in itself will be difficult mentally and physically. I am closer to the road of remission, but I know it will take over the course of the year to fully recover from the ringer my mind, body, and soul experienced. 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Ashton's and Brandy's Wedding:
Hesper, me, Kerri, and Amanda
Go Mustangs ;)

Ashton and me. Not just a good friend, but
 he's like a brother to me :). Congrats amigo!

Home is where the heart is. Hmm..so how do I answer that question. Well, I've lived in Austin for almost 14 years, and it is my home. Yet, when I go to Corpus to visit my parents and family that is home too. Visiting Ingleside felt like home. When I am around different groups of my friends, no matter where we are at, I feel at home. So, I have learned that I have many homes. The only way I can define it is with the good ole phrase "Home is where the heart is." My heart is with so many people in so many places. My visit to Ingleside and Corpus was another reminder of that. 

Z and Mitchell (Ashton's bro)
Good amigos too!

Good times-- Go Class of 97!
Travis, me, Drew, and Zach

The Cook Brothers

Z and Kerri-love these girls!

After my 7th round of treatment, Travis drove us to Corpus Chrisit, and I had such an awesome visit. I saw family, and I saw friends who I had not seen in years. Travis, Zelina, and I went to Ashton's wedding in Ingleside. I had not been to Ingleside in at least a few years. Travis finally got the opportunity to see the small town I grew up in. We told him not to blink-he would've missed all of "downtown!" The wedding was perfect…just what Ashton and Brandy wanted. I know I've talked about this before, but growing up in a small town affords unique friendships. Friendships you hold close to your heart. They are the kind of friendships where no matter the years, you just pick up where you left off.  To visit and reconnect with friends I had not seen in years brought so much life and energy to my soul. I believe some of this energy boosted me with extra strength to get me through the weekend. So many laughs, hugs, smiles, reminiscing, and lots of fun! Shout out to my Ingleside peeps!

To see my Tia Norma was special. We share a special bond and sisterhood...we are warriors. She can truly connect with my state of mind and emotions because she's been there. She battled stage IV breast cancer. She had a 50/50 chance, and look at her now! She is an inspiration. 

I also had the opportunity to visit with my Tia Norma, my cousins Steve, Jeanette, and Ashley. I had not see any of them since I began treatment, and again, our visit fueled me with a new breath of life. I had another visit that was very important to me. It was a visit I wanted and knew I had to make. I wanted to see my godfather/grandfather. I wanted Travis to meet him, and I wanted my grandfather to meet Travis. Unfortunately, Travis did not get to meet my grandmother, so I knew he had to at least meet my grandfather who is now 92 (he doesn't look it though!) I know at the beginning he was really worried about me, but I needed him to know I was going to be okay. We had such a good visit, and I was so happy! It was the perfect way to end our stay before getting on the road back to Austin. While it was a short visit home, I am so glad I was there to see loved ones.

Post Round 7

As for my 7th round of post-chemo....well, I will not bore you with the same details, but in case you were wondering….everything I experienced with my last treatment was the same. All the same side effects, all the same ups and downs, and all the same whines/complaints. I imagine the last round will be the same. As for my dosage, my oncologist did not change it. I understand why and respect that she kept it the same. For the last round, I was given the same high dosage of good ole taxol along with the shot. My last week of summer I will recover from treatment, then I will be back at work. Summer was not quite summer for me. I had more days of recovering than "good days." Oh well…I am willing to make this sacrifice in order to live a long, full, and healthy life! It was a blah week, but I had some things to look forward to along with some reminders to keep me positive with a fighting spirit. 

My flowers from Travis 

Travis stepped in quite a bit to be my caregiver most of the week. On Tuesday, he came over to bring me dinner and help out. AND...he surprised me with flowers!! He knew I was having a tough day and brought me roses and daisies. He got me flowers in Wonder Woman colors. I was so touched!! He also brought me my favorite cookie-chocolate chip peanut butter!! Isn't he the best boyfriend ever?!? On Wednesday, my friend Malinda came to visit, and it was so nice to catch up! I look forward to hanging out with Malinda again when she gets back from her pretty sweet vacation in St. Marteen. She SO deserves it. She worked her tail off this semester in her new position, so this trip is well overdue! Towards the end of the week, I had a lunch date with my friend Jane who always keeps me laughing! She is not only super funny, but when she shares stories about her two adorable kids, she puts me in tears! It was so nice to catch up and spend quality time with Jane and Malinda.

Travis and I at the prom with the Superhero Scholarship Winners!

Remember the prom I told you about? Well, on Saturday June 29th Travis and I attended the Superhero Kids prom. Superhero Kids is a non-profit organization that supports kids who have cancer or a blood disease. Here is the link to learn more about them- http://superherokids.org Samia asked if I would be a judge to select 3 candidates for college scholarships. This was one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do because each candidate was so deserving, but I was honored to do it. She also asked if Travis and I would present the winners at the prom...another honor! The scholarships were granted to seniors who are current or past Superhero Kids. The top candidate received $5,000 and the 2nd and 3rd place winners received $2500 each. Exciting, huh? The evening was great, and I was blown away by the positive energy around us. Cancer is hard for anyone who has to face the beast, but imagine being a student in school. Imagine having to deal with treatment, the side effects, the medical visits, and so much more all while trying to finish high school. These kids faced so many obstacles and through it all, they persevered to prove they can do whatever their hearts desired. For some, it was going to college. I was humbled and inspired on so many levels. It is a memory I will hold close to my heart. 

The Big Week!

Cards from students at Ann Richards

The week of my last treatment was a busy week. Travis' family came in on Tuesday, and we took them to the Salt Lick. Afterwards, we went to see the famous Austin bats! I came home late that evening and found a package at my door. I received a gift from my friend Abby who is a counselor at Ann Richards. She not only left me a bag of goodies, but she also left me cards some of her students made for me. WOW…talk about streams of tears flowing down my face. Tears of happiness, inspiration, determination, and tears of laughter. The girls left me such amazing quotes and words of inspiration. One student made a card that said "I don't have any inspirational quotes, but play tic tac toe with a friend!" She made tic tac toe tables on the card…how cute is that?!?! While these are not my students, for me it was certainly a reminder of why I am in education. I love the spirit of kids of all ages. Even in the secondary world students are still kids at hearts. Education is a passion of mine, and I can't imagine doing anything else (even on my most trying days, ha). 

My Hawk Family: Cassandra, Kate, me, Sabrina,
Kara, and Theresa

10th grade Team! No we did not plan the orange, ha.
That's how close we are ;)
Cassandra, me, and Sabrina

On Wedneday, I met up with friends from work at Shady Grove. We had such a great visit, and I was so happy to see them before my last round. I know I have talked about my work family, but again, I cannot say it enough, without their support, I would not have made it through juggling treatment and work. It means so much to me to work alongside such giving and heartfelt colleagues/friends. 

Egger Family fun in Austin!

Fireworks at Horeshoe Bay

Wednesday afternoon, I met up with Travis and his family to visit UT, and we wrapped up the evening at one of our favorite restaurants-Matt's El Rancho. It was so nice to get to spend time with the Egger Family. The night before my last treatment which was 4th of July, I got to spend the night at Horeshoe Bay Marriot on Lake LBJ. I had never been out there, and it was so tranquil. We had a view of the lake, and it was breath taking. The day was absolutely perfect. I got to relax at the pool, had dinner, watched fire dancers, and then wrapped up with a fantastic fireworks display. The 4th of July had a whole new meaning to me this year. For me, it was not just about recognizing and appreciating the freedoms I have in this country, but also the freedom I was about to receive the next day. Free from sitting in a chair for hours being pumped with meds to help my body battle cancer. As I watched the fireworks, I picked out which fireworks were for me, ha! The next morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise over Lake LBJ, and I gazed outside the window to collect my thoughts. The last day of chemo---While I was relieved, I also had mixed emotions. There is always the thought…is 8 rounds enough? Did the 8 catch every and any cancer cell that may have traveled its way somewhere else? I can run this through my head over and over, but I have to tell myself-trust in God…only He knows. Not too shortly after thinking about this over and over again, I received a message from Travis' mom and got an email from my sister. Both had perfect timing. My sister's email reminded me of something I forgot. She reminded of some advice a friend gave me years ago about running the last 6 miles of a marathon. I was advised to dedicate each mile to someone to make it personal and battle it to the end. Here was my sister's email to me:

"I can't sleep..thinking of you...thinking of how I ran my first marathon, a friend advised you to dedicate the last six miles (?) to someone, & we chose uncle David & Aunt Norma. He'd be so proud of you, I know she is. You're coming in on the home stretch, & I just want to say, you're to be idolized! Your battle, your fight, your race, your marathon, your PR, is this! Hell of a job sister.

The sunset  over Lake LBJ I woke up to for
the last day of treatment. 

When we all would've understood if you wanted to just fall apart, you triumphed! I love you & I'm so proud of you! You are & always have been my hero. Dedicate & keep fighting for the ones who await results, their loved ones, the ones about to begin their battle, the ones still fighting, & the chosen who have faced defeat. I'll be thinking of you Wonder Woman..all my love!!"

I must stay strong because I have to admit...well, give you my true confession. For over 4 months, I have spent more days recovering from chemo than actually feeling normal. While I've had good days, they were minimal, and even in those good days, I was never quite 100 %. On my good days, I put a smile on my face and let you know I am good! For the most part I was, but quite honestly, I am tired mentally and physically. My body has been in a battle for over 4 months, and I still have much more to go. Now, I have to prepare for major surgery, but I also have to recover from chemo and accept that my body may not be the same again. It will take a year or longer to get past so many side effects from chemo. Here I was thinking that I'd get back to normal in a few months, but realistically, it will take much longer than that. While this is very discouraging for me, I am determined to overcome, but I know it won't be easy. I go back to work on July 15th, and I hate that don't feel rejuvenated and refreshed. Good lord I am tired of feeling sick!!! I am tired of not thinking clearly, feeling weak, and being jerked physically and mentally in so many directions. PHEW!! Egh, I could go on, but I will stop now, ha. Again, this is my confession, and as you can see, chemo has done a number on me. It's no joke, and while I am relieved to be done, this confession serves as another reason I shed so many tears. I am so grateful I had two of my very dear girlfriends with me Friday night. We used to be roommates, and it was like being in the Tea Rose house again (that was our street name). We laughed, cried, cried from laughing, and had a super fun girl's night. If Jane and Amber were not with me, I would've been a train wreck. I probably would have been in tears all night, ha. 

I am glad Zelina reminded me of the last 6 miles of a marathon. I am hitting a wall, but her words helped me realize I am not only battling it out for myself, but for something more too...- "Dedicate & keep fighting for the ones who await results, their loved ones, the ones about to begin their battle, the ones still fighting, & the chosen who have faced defeat." Since my diagnosis, three people I know have died from cancer. Cancer does not discriminate nor does it have any prejudice. While we live in an imperfect world, it is diseases like this that allows our eyes to see the world and life through a different set of lenses. I have to stay focused, determined, and strong, and I still need my loved ones as I face surgery, recover, and recover for the next year as my body slowly adjusts to getting as close to normal as possible. For four months I've endured just about every side effect possible, and during most of it, worked and tried to keep a normal routine. As I look back now, I can only wonder how I did it, BUT I was never alone through it all! It was the blessings from God that got me through each day. These blessings include YOU....my family and friends. 

THE FINAL ROUND!!!
http://youtu.be/AuULcVaMTf0
**Feel free to view...I think I should've wore sweatbands to treatment ;)

My certificate for completing 8 rounds of chemo! 

My final meds and chemo

We met with Dr. Hellerstedt, and she laid out what the next few weeks would look like. I have several very important appointments coming up. I see my plastic surgeon on July 9th, breast surgeon July 15th, and July 18th I go for labs which will give my doctor an idea of when I will be ready for surgery. I should have a date confirmed by the end of July…at least I hope so! Our discussions were the same as before. Of course, the pending information is my pathology report. She informed me if I have any residual disease then the big question is radiation or chemo again. She emphasized my response to chemo has been good, so hopefully I won't have to do either, but we won't know for sure until I have surgery. Prayers I am in the clear! One last bit of information. As you recall from my last blog, I talked about neuropathy and how scary it can be. After my 7th round, I had a toe that went numb. I thought it would go away, but it stayed numb for weeks. I discussed this with my oncologist on Friday, and she asked me several questions such as whether or not it had compromised walking or running. I explained to her that I can feel my toe numb all the time, but the numbness has not bothered me with me workouts. As a matter of fact, I explained to her that I've ran with numb toes in long runs and during marathons so it didn't feel too much different. I guess my answer would've impacted whether or not I was going to get chemo because she said "Okay, we will move forward with treatment today." She also told me I would not get feeling back in my toe. I replied "okay," but in my head I wanted to say WAY more than that and ask more questions. My toe is numb and may never have feeling again…for the rest of my life? WHAT??? GREAT…chemo damaged my nerves! I told my Zelina, and of course, her response "Name your toe!" She asked which toe, and I told her it was my third toe on my left foot. I left her to the naming since she is my PR Commander and because she is witty and good with stuff like that. She named my numb toe Tres (spanish for 3, but not pronounced like you would in spanish, ha). It was good comic relief! 

My certificate given to me
by the nurses and medical staff.

Throwing confetti to celebrate completion of chemo!

Travis spent the first part of my treatment with me, and then my friend Amber came to finish it out. It was the same stuff, but what I was not prepared for was the end. My nurse Beena, who is awesome, told me "Okay, Clarissa you are done!" Then she informed me they were going to celebrate. I was not sure what that was going to look like, then I saw a group of nurses and medical staff walk towards me with big smiles. I felt a huge lump in my throat, and thought I was going to break into tears right then. I did my best to hold the tears back…not sure why. I guess I felt like I had to be strong and not cry. They gave me a certificate, put pink beads around my neck, and threw confetti to "celebrate" my final treatment. Then the tears came. I gave my nurse a big hug, got my things together, and walked out of the infusion room. I am happy Amber was there to share the moment with me. As we walked out, I ran into one of my students. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks after me, and I am so glad she stopped me on the way out. Her mom is in remission now. It was such a pleasure to see her. 

My nurse Beena. She took such good care of me. I broke down here  :(

As I walked out of the building, I continued to cry. I told Amber I didn't think I was going to be so emotional. I had tears of happiness, tears of victory, tears of the unknown (again), and tears of the hardship I faced for over 4 months. Tears of how tired I am, and tears knowing I still have another major obstacle to face.  It was a very emotional afternoon for me. It's still very emotional for me.

Reflecting. . . 

Through the course of treatment, some of my days felt like an eternity, but I was grateful for each day of life. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know much so initially I felt like I had been given a death sentence. As you may recall from my first blog, it was a week of emotions with grieving being one of them. Of course, as I was more educated about my cancer and treatement in general, my outlook became one of determination. Determined to be a warrior like so many other women, and even more determined to overcome the "roadblock" placed on this journey we call life. 

Life certainly has a whole new meaning to me. In life, so many times we are so rushed with the hustle and bustle of daily demands that we lose focus on the bigger picture. God knows I am guilty of it. I was guilty of being too focused on the days ahead or things that I could not control or were not in my control for that moment. I would end up wasting the days away and stressing over way too much. Geez, how many times have I done this? So many days wasted when I knew God wanted me to take in each day of life to it's fullest. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next…live for the day and all good things  will come. I tried to do this, but often times I fell short. Though I know I will slip, after all I am human, this journey has taught me the importance to LIVE for each day. Every day we are given life, it is a precious gift from God. I am grateful for mine. 

If I had not caught the cancer when I did, my diagnosis and journey would look so different. I do not forget I have an aggressive form of cancer. My cancer cells were dividing at 95%. Triple Negative Breast Cancer is a scary cancer to be diagnosed with, but it can also be defeated. I got past my tears, and I transformed into warrior woman mode because feeling sorry for myself was not going to do anything for me. I could not let "C" win! In a sense, I could not myself let me "...worry my life away." So, with that I leave you with an oldie, but goodie from Jason Mraz (who I am a huge fan of!). It's a song called "The Remedy." He wrote it for a friend who had cancer, and I can relate to this song on SO many levels. It is my song to close this part of my journey, but yet prepare me for the road I still have to travel. 
http://youtu.be/lYfcJM-07BI

I have a very important part behind me---chemotherapy. God-willing, I will not have to undergo chemo again. Today I went in for my last shot, and as of yesterday, my body began to crash. Today the pain is more intense, so here it goes again. I will be spending my last week of summer vacation recovering from chemo. What fun, right?! Don't you wish you were me ;) J/K!  Surgery is almost here so I will keep you posted.

I feel so in debt to you. Your outpour of support and prayers carried me this far. While I am not at the end, I am SO close! Please stay with us. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. 

Much love to you,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman