Adios 2013

These are all the scarves/bandanas I wore through treatment

A new year brings a new chapter to my unforeseen journey, but for now, I give you my farewell…my final blog---Adios 2013. 

When I began blogging, I compared my journey to a race. It was and still is a different kind of marathon. I spent a great deal of time thinking of how to begin and wrap up this final blog for 2013. Quite honestly, I had a hard time finding the right words and thoughts, but I guess that goes to show how overwhelming it was for me this year.  To say this is my final blog for 2013 strikes a great deal of emotion and intensity. 2013 changed me, my life, and the lives of my loved ones forever.

So…what to write…my first thought…. "Oh, I can totally write this as a dear john letter!" It could go something along the lines of…

Dear 2013,

It's been REAL…and I say that literally! 2013…what it comes down to is--well, it's not you, it's me. This isn't working for me. We're over!

Then, I think-really….I can't be COMPLETELY mad at 2013. I don't look to blame or search for all the why's and what ifs'. I can only do what I've been doing-accepting life for it's challenges (though it's not always easy) surprises, setbacks, but with that also comes celebrations, successes, and a plethora of blessings!

One evening I read all of my blogs, and once I got passed editing and catching all grammatical and spelling errors, I had many moments of asking myself "what the hell happened?!" I'd even stop and say out loud "Clarissa really?!" You worked on that day…or you ran that day-crazy head!! While I am still growing in my faith, I can tell you this, and I believe I've stated this before, there is a power much stronger than us. I may not be able to fully explain it, you just have to believe and have faith when I say, God is responsible for all I was able to do. He knows our journey and placed the family and friends I have knowing that my  life journey would take on a major challenge. I did my best to make life as normal as possible, and I was able to do so because God blessed me with ridiculously awesome family and friends! I have the BEST support system anyone could ask for. 


Monday January 21st, 2013 was the day my unforeseen journey began. February 5, 2013 it was a official. I crossed the start to a different kind of marathon-I had breast cancer.

There is an exhaustive list of memories-good and not so good, but there is one day that still comes to me now and then. l remember being so angry and grieved about my illness. A few days after my diagnosis I had a personal intervention. I remember the day very clearly. My parents, Zelina, and the dogs were downstairs. Everyone was up and moving around, and I hit a major low. The kind of low where it hurt so bad I was numb to it, so I snuck up to the guest room with Cassie Mae and shut my door. I laid down, curled up, and cried my heart out. The tears of hurt, uncertainty, pain, and the unknown consumed my heart and soul. It was the dream you wished was a dream, but no….it was real. It was almost too real. I'll never forget looking at Cassie and asking her "Cas, did you know?" The way she looked at me told me she did. Cas was little miss independent and was affectionate when she wanted to be. Months before my diagnosis, I noticed she cuddle up by me more than normal. I thought she was being more needy, but I truly believe she wanted to be closer to me because she knew her momma was sick. Love my lil fur angel :)

Turkey Chase-Thanksgiving 2013
Travis was 3rd in his age group…and won a turkey trophy!

I was pretty sickly that year to year and half before my diagnosis. One day at work I was talking to two of my friends/colleagues, and I shared with them something I had not said out loud. When friends or family asked why I ran or would choose to run during treatment, I always knew why. It wasn't just for the obvious reasons, but for a reason I didn't always share. I ran a lot before I was diagnosed. From 2011-2013, if I wasn't training for a marathon, I was running half-marathons or other races. A year ago around this time when I was training for Houston, I would get frustrated because there were days my body felt like it just couldn't go. I knew I was in shape…why I couldn't I just GO?! After a long run, it would take me the whole day to recover. Overall, I was more tired than normal and attributed my low energy to my life and hours at work. Now that I look back, it is no wonder why my body couldn't go! It was like my body was saying "Giiirrll…you got cancer up in heerre! Slow down!!" I was able to set a PR in the Houston Marathon, but during all those long work days, long runs, and crazy weeks, my body was fighting a battle I had yet to learn about.

By the time I found the lump and was diagnosed, I had two tumors in my right breast. The fact it had not spread to my lymph nodes was a blessing. After all the countless miles and many races I ran, I would like to believe running saved my life. Maybe…just maybe the running positively impacted my overall survival. So, on those days when I could've stayed home feeling sorry for myself, I got up…and I RAN! I highly recommend watching this video. It's a good representation of the many races I faced this year and the years passed…
***Once the video is over, you can stop it. No need to listen to the guy after, ha.

http://www.runnerspace.com/video.php?video_id=64548#ooid=g4dzhpNDp-rRybpyH_lw9xRCCghTLulY

Many of you saw me at my weakest-mentally and physically. Life has taught me valuable lessons, but I must confess-I am still guilty of getting overwhelmed, stressed, less patience, getting caught up in the flow, etc. I attribute part of it to my chemo brain, and the other part to plan ole "I'm still learning." I've been through the ringer, but I am better about stopping for a personal intervention to get my focus back and remind myself of the bigger picture…reflect-deep breath-visualize---what is most important in life. When I am stressed and anxious, I'm thinking too far into the future. When I am depressed, I am thinking about the past. When I can lay back and smile, I am living in the present. Honestly, these are not my words…I stole this from Robin Roberts, but she stated it perfectly. It is VERY TRUE. So when I get anxious or depressed, I stop and say "Clarissa, live in the present…live for TODAY!!"

Fashionista? Yes…it's the new trend
compression sleeve and glove :)

As for my medical stuff, I finished physical therapy on December 17th, but they have not discharged me yet. About mid November I began to have problems with some swelling and achiness in my arm, so I am in a compression sleeve and looking at other options for lymphedema prevention. I don't have it, and I don't want it! My physical therapist told me I have one spot that looks and feels like it could turn into lymphedema so I am making every effort to give it extra TLC. Prayers my body heals and pushes the nastiness out of my lymphatic system so there is no lymphedema. Another example of how the fun never stops for me! Good time, eh?

The awesome Flexitouch
massage gadget…fun stuff!

My next surgery which I will refer to as "the switch" is set for January 30th. I will be out of work for 2 weeks max and go back to the recovering, healing, and transition process. Overall I've managed to stay relatively healthy, but there is lots of maintenance in my life…and I am not exaggerating…like chingos of maintenance. It can be consuming, tiresome, and frustrating, but I have to remind myself it is the trade-off I was given. The last visit I had with my oncologist went well. My white blood cell count dropped, but it's expected. My body is in the rebuilding process. I am slowly learning through many trials and errors on what works and doesn't work for me overall. I will see her again, along with my breast surgeon, in February.

As for 2013….well….

2013 I love you, but I hate you. 
You broke my heart. 
You mended my heart. 
I shed countless tears. 
I counted many blessings. 
You changed my soul forever. 
My physical and invisible scars will haunt me forever. 
They are also my celebrations. 
You transformed me into a warrior. 
You transformed my loved ones into co-survivors.
They're stronger for it.
I'm stronger for it. 
Yep~All women can do wonder if they're put to the test. 

There ya go. That's my rare poetic moment for you, ha! Honestly, these were just random thoughts that came to me on the days my mind would race, and I just couldn't turn it off. As we look into the new year, we always look at the positive ways to change our lives and be better people. I have a list myself, ha. What is most important for me this year is to LIVE. Live in the moment. Live for today. Live for tomorrow. Live each day like it's going to be "The Best Day Of My Life." Thank you American Authors for writing such an awesome song. Love the song and its meaning. The clip captures some of the many treasured memories from this year. 

**(First video you can play on your laptop or iPad. Second video is for your mobile phone. Sorry if you have issues…not super tech saavy, ha)

Happy New Year to you and yours. I've been waiting for you 2014! Thank you for coming along for the ride, and if you are willing, then stay tuned for My Unforeseen Journey 2014. 



Much Love to You,
Clari
**Yep-that's me! Told ya Wonder Woman is my super hero…LOVED her as a kid :)
And no…don't know what's up with the pom poms, haha. 

Austin Race For The Cure 2013

On Sunday November 10th, almost 40 of my family and friends battled the crazy traffic and tons of people to participate in Austin's Race For The Cure. It was a moment I'll cherish and hold close to my heart. Again, a big thanks to all those that came out! If couldn't make it, no worries! I imagine Team Bros and Bras will be back in 2014!

After Team Bros and Bras got together for the final team pic, I wanted to thank everyone, but I knew it would NOT be easy. I could already feel the lump in my throat. The first few words did not come out clear, and my emotions took over! I cut myself off quick before the ugly cry, ha!

Sunday's Race For The Cure was my niece Ellie's first 5K. We walked the 5k together hand in hand, and it is a memory I'll treasure and cherish. She didn't have a bib, so after the race, I gave her mine :). As I took pictures with Team Bros and Bras, my heart was full of joy knowing the moment was BIG and BEAUTIFUL because of God. I am surrounded and blessed by such amazing family and friends. Rather than talk about Austin Race for the Cure and revisit why "this fight is personal," I thought I'd share a lil something to capture the day along with the memories that consumed my mind throughout the walk. 

(second video is mobile phone compatible)

A few weeks before Race for the Cure, I did another photo shoot with Robin Jansky. This was my remission shoot. She did such an awesome job, and there was one thing I wasn't prepared for. I brought the scarves and bandanas I wore through treatment. When Robin asked me what they meant to me, I almost broke down. Zelina didn't let it happen though! She did something crazy and made me laugh, ha. I by no means mind being asked personal questions, but sometimes I don't know how I will react. In this case, the scarves meant more to me than I thought. 

My mom and dad laid my scarves on a old fence at Floore's Country Store. My scarves and bandanas symbolized just how personal it is. The scars I see on a daily basis. My short hair. My aching and stiff joints. My fatigue. My setbacks. My chemo nails. I could go on. There are days I feel great, then there are days I feel-mmmm...not so great. Post-chemo has been rough-October was a mess! A couple of weeks after my appendectomy, I caught an inner ear virus that causes vertigo. It knocked me off my booty! I was so sick, and  it put me out of work for another week. Lesson learned-again. NEWSFLASH---Evidently, your immune system doesn't bounce back a few months after chemo. I knew it took about a year for chemo to run its course through your body, but overlooked my immune system still takes a hit from that. Not groundbreaking-I know this! I admit sometimes I forget (chemo brain) and have to be reminded. The journey continues to have its ups and downs, but thankfully November is being extra nice to me. So nice I was able to run my first 5K since May! No walk breaks…and it was slow, but I am making a running comeback! Below is the link to the photo session I had with Robin. She is awesome! A huge thanks to Robin, Martin Flores, and Stephanie Cortez for taking care of me!

 http://robinjanskyphotography.com/she-woke-up-each-morning-with-her-boxing-gloves-on/

My dad and Tom Banda. Tom held pictures that belonged to my dad for over 20 years ago. Over 8 years ago, my dad not only got the pictures back (pics of my aunts), but he was reunited with his "brother" from Vietnam. 

It was honor having my dad and Tom at the HHS Veteran's Ceremony

My dad is not just a veteran, but a co-survivor as well. 

I don't know about you, but I am WAY excited for the holidays and welcome 2014 with open arms! On Thursday November 21st, I will have my first 3 month check in with my oncologist. I'm not nervous…I know it will go well! It's onward and upward for me, and I will continue to keep updated!

Much Love to You,
Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." ~Wonder Woman

Back to the Drawing Board...

Today, I walked around my complex...1/4 mile at turtle pace-AGAIN! It's frustrating, BUT...when I get knocked down...I get up again (Chumbawamba).

As most of you know, I am a huge Wonder Woman fan.
My parents can probably share some stories with you, ha!  She was and still is my super hero

Lesson for me...while it is great to be in remission, it will continue to have it's ups and downs. My body is whacked out! I will have days or weeks of smooth sailing, but I know not to be surprised if I have a setback. Dr. Hellerstedt warned me about survivorship. It's not easy. Yep...she's right. Friday's surgery certainly slowed me down. My body has been through a quite a bit the past few months, and I can say with confidence, my body is pretty unhappy right now. I definitely need to give it extra TLC. Here is what the past couple of weeks have been like...

For Travis and Zelina, it was deja vu! October 7th marked two months since I went into remission and had major surgery. Geez...AND---here I am back at the start line. Before all this mess, I had just worked my run/walk to 5 miles! I was working full days. Zelina and I were planning on going home to visit my mom for her birthday. I was gaining more strength and range of motion. Though I still get fatigued and have ups and downs, I was getting stronger each week.

He is not just my boyfriend, but my best friend...and a co-survivor. It takes a special person to stand by and support someone during difficult times. We are inside Easy Tiger drying off...just in case you're wondering...ha.

The day after my birthday, I woke up with a pain in my side. I didn't think much at first and thought it was something musculature. Friday morning comes along, and it is still there. Again, I don't think much of it and figure it will go away. I did duty at the volleyball game Friday night, and by the time I got home, I was very weak and tired. I attributed my physical state to being back full time with duty days. Saturday morning felt okay, so I got up and went to the trail. After my workout, I made my way to my favorite spot-The Soup Peddler! I always get the voltron smoothie, and while I was super excited, I wasn't all that hungry. Sadly, the smoothie didn't hit the spot like it normally did. That evening I was getting together with friends, and I didn't feel all that great. I could tell throughout the day my appetite was funky, and I just didn't feel right. By Sunday morning, the pain in my side was more present, my appetite was even more shot, and I felt achey. Okay...time to call my oncologist. This is not musculature.

I called Monday to speak with the nurse and inform her about my symptoms. They scheduled me for Tuesday afternoon. I had two doctors appointments that day. I am still seeing my plastic surgeon and go to physical therapy twice a week. As I left my appointment Tuesday, I called my mom to give her an update. My mom proceeds to tell me "don't be alarmed, but I am following the ambulance. Your dad is being rushed to the hosptial." WHAT?! While I was not feeling well, neither was my dad. God bless my mom! While my dad was in the hospital, I continued dealing with all my mess on top of worrying about my dad! Not a good week to say the least. 

My good ole medic bucket.

Waiting to be taken back for surgery

I had a CT scan on Wednesday, and Thursday I had my results. Thursday: Jennifer, the nurse for my oncologist and nurse oncologist, informed me it was my appendix. The schedulers called me next, and by the next morning (Friday), I was seeing a surgeon. I took a half day expecting to be back at work that afternoon. I thought I would either have more tests done or get a "what next plan." NOPE...because of the tenderness I had during my exam, CT results, along with other symptoms, the doctor told me if we waited, it would get worse. We had to act now. What? Next thing you know, I am being admitted to Seton Hospital. I called Zelina and Travis, and they made the arrangements to be with me. And for the record, I NEVER want to go to Seton Hospital again. St. David's is my go to hospital. Friday I had an appendectomy. Good times again. I am so thankful Travis and Zelina could be there with me. Devin also came to visit. It was nice to have the support there. It's frustrating to get knocked back down, but the support helps me bounce back. Really...it could be worse. All went well, and I was out late the next day (and ready to leave that place).

Meanwhile...my dad was still in the hospital, but thanks be to God they released him on Monday!! He has pancreatitus. He's been in good spirits and doing better. He will have surgery to remove his gallbladder, so we are waiting as to when that will take place. 

Other than the setback, I've been making progress. It's not always easy, but I just roll with it. Being that it's breast cancer awaremness month, I've had many emotional moments I wasn't expecting. On October 1st, Good Morning America had a special episode for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I must confess...between watching Robin Roberts, GMA, and the whole breast cancer thing in general, I was in tears!! I am still so tender and raw to this whole experience, so sometimes I think it's healthy to have a good cry. Tears of happiness along with other emotions are needed now and then. It's not just about me, but it's about the millions of women and men who are diagnosed daily with breast cancer, those who lost their battle to it, and those who await results.  And really...it's not just breast cancer, but ANY type of cancer. It's a beast, but there are many who beat it. My friend Robin sent me a Wonder Woman card with a message that resonated with me. She said "Cancer did not define me. I defined cancer." I have yet to meet a cancer survivor who did not define cancer. There is a fight in all those who have to battle the big "C."


Whether you are reading this for the first time or have kept up with my blog, I encourage you to read my first blog. So many women asked me how I found the lump. I found it by doing a self-exam. In July of 2012 I had my annual exam, and breast exams are always completed. I found the lump in January 2013, so in a matter of 6 months, I had two tumors in my right breast. My journey could've looked very different if I hadn't completed a self-exam and discovered the lump. Self breast exams are SO IMPORTANT! Encourage others, but most importantly, encourage yourself to make it a point to complete exams monthly. My message isn't intended only for women, but men too. 



Flashback:  The pictures below are from my surgery in August. My sister forgot she had them and showed them to me last Friday. The last place I wanted to spend my weekend was in a hospital, but I feel pretty relieved it's not the kind of experience and pain I had a couple of months ago. Seeing these pictures are good reminders of the progress I've made!

I am in lots of pain here and can't lift my arms. Travis is feeding me small pieces of crackers. 

The day after surgery my surgeons wanted me up and moving. I am wearing the ridiculous belt, ha!

When I saw this picture, it broke my heart. It really made me sad. I had NO idea how swollen I was and how distressed I looked. Zelina just looked at me and shook her head in agreement. My body has taken a beating-ouch :(

Thanks be to God I did not leave the hospital on Saturday with 4 drains and a pain pump! The surgery I had a couple of months ago has me more than prepared to recover from an appendectomy. I am moving onward and upward. It's back to the drawing board. At this point, I know how to increase my stamina and strength. I know my body even better now. I'll be just fine! 

When I turned 35 a couple of weeks ago, typically I would've made a statement implying how old I am, ha! I would've attributed new aches and pains to the good ole I've hit my mid-thirties-YIKES! My attitude has changed. This birthday had a whole different meaning to me. I welcome each day, week, month and year God blesses me with. The aches, pains, and setbacks remind me I'm ALIVE!  I'll joke, whine, complain, vent, and be vulnerable, but deep in my heart, I know what matters most...the gift of life. 

Much love to you,
Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." Wonder Woman

I'm a Grown Up Again!

It's been over a month since my surgery-WOW. Over a month ago I could barely hold a cup, walk, and experienced pain I've never felt before in my life! I went from being a helpless child to a grown up in a matter of weeks! Woohoo!

Thirsty Planet celebrating my cousin
Steve's birthday. (Steve, Jeanette, me, and Travis)

While my parents were gone, I had help over the weekend and some during the week, but for the most part I was on my own. I was able to do little things, and it was just enough to get me through the day. Every morning I got up and increased the distance in my walking. I walked one mile for a couple of days, and by the end of the week, I was walking 1.5 miles. By Saturday, I walked 3 miles. Now I can a walk 4 miles-watch out! In addition to that, I began doing small things each day. One day I practiced unloading the dishwasher and putting up things I knew I could reach. Another day, I did a trial run of doing a small load of laundry. Each day my goal was to do one chore at home as part of my workout routine and "learning how to live again" routine. It was good for me to be alone because each day I challenged myself. However, I didn't ignore the importance of resting and recovering. Quite honestly...my body was a good reminder, so my routine always worked in hours of resting. 

I also started physical therapy which has been a huge help. My PT taught me a self-massage routine along with doing several upper body stretches. The goal of my physical therapy is to prevent lymphedema, but it is also to help me get my range of motion back and "learn to live again." Yep, my physical therapist pointed out the one thing I know I took for granted...my independence.

While I am making a great deal of progress, I have to do so slowly. Now that I have transitioned to physical therapy, it has added on to my extensive "maintenance" list I will be living by. At physical therapy, I was given a folder with a list of "to-do's" and "avoid doing" for the rest of my life since I am at risk for lymphedema. Yes...for the rest of my life, and I am not exaggerating here. Because I am active and want to get back to my active lifestyle (running, strength work, etc), I have to follow a very specific treatment plan so I can return to that lifestyle. So, basically physical therapy and this plan has three important goals: 1) Lymphedema prevention and treatment 2) Full range of motion  3) Modified exercises to return to a regular workout routine. Again, my medical team is awesome! My plastic surgeon referred me to two women who are not only physical therapists, but they are also certified in lymphedema treatment. They are experienced with breast cancer patients, so I am in excellent hands! 

Me: Dr. Haydon, when can I start jogging?

Dr. Haydon: I think you are at that point now. BUT...slowly. Slow jogging for now.

Me: I can do that. Yes!

Look who's ready for Halloween?
She's my lil Wonder Woman!

I was given the go to begin some slow jogging, but one of my therapist suggested I increase my walking pace first. Not the answer I wanted to hear, but I understand why and will do my best to be a good listener. Too much too fast can trigger lymphedema. Okay...you got my attention, ha. Oh...and I started driving!! I'm also doing this slowly. The first time I drove, I was super soar the rest of the day. I was amazed at how many muscles we use to drive especially for turning! I still have a hard time with turning. It's like I am in driver's ed again...geez!! Of course, like everything else, I have to take caution with driving as well. 

This past week I made the transition back to work, and it felt GREAT to be back. I don't ignore that I am still healing inside and out, so I worked half days only. By the end of the week I thought I'd try a full day, and well...I made it to 2:30 on Friday. I joked with Cassandra and told her how crazy I was thinking I'd make a full day on Friday the 13th? I mean...really? BUT...that's my style. I tend to pick the most challenging task to test how much I can handle. This particular day my body said-enough...that's good. I called it quits at 2:30. Overall, it is so nice to be in a routine. I feel like a grown up again! My schedule is still ongoing doctor's appointments, and I go to physical therapy twice a week. 

My last visit was a tough one. The massages are great, but I pay for it later-SO SORE! My PT also added "wand" exercises. I basically practice movements that require me to do circular motions and horizontal movements with my arms. Right before being introduced to these new exercises I asked when I could start my workouts again with Outright Fitness. Then...I laughed at myself because I could barely do a 360 movement with my arm! Again-reality check---I mean really Clarissa?...You just recently gained the ability to raise your arm almost to a full extension! Just because I can fist pump (that's for you Jane!) doesn't mean I can lift weights, ha. I am just so ready to get back to where I left off, but again...I need to slow my roll because this whole recovery is turtle pace. Turtle pace is good. Oh and I will be getting fitted for a compression sleeve soon. Yep...so any time I lift weights, do any strenuous activity or running, the sleeve goes on. I am going to set a trend...if you wanna be cool---throw on a compression sleeve ;). I'll pinterest it...see how many shares I get! J/K!!

So what next...well, I get my last fill (expansion) in a few weeks. Then I keep the expanders in for 3 months. Dr. Haydon said the earliest I could have surgery would be mid-December. After my next surgery, I wait 3 more months to have more reconstructive procedures then I am done! WOOHOO! Just so you know...these expanders are heavy...way uncomfortable and make me feel like I have softballs as boobs. EGH! Hug me with caution...not so much for me, but for you own safety! That's how hard these things are!! When I get a fill-OUCH! The expander pushes against my muscles and triggers soreness everywhere! NO bueno..luckily I only have one more fill left. 

Great visit with Travis' brother Adam :)

The hair is making a come
back!

Every day and every week I get a little stronger, and I am already looking at trying to run a race in December before I have my next surgery. I won't be setting any PRs or anything. My goal is just to get out there and jog a half-marathon. I will even accept that I will have to work in some walks too. We shall see... My body is also going into full regeneration, ha. It's like my body went from a harsh winter to full on spring...just everything blooming, ha. Each week I feel like I am telling myself..hello trees...hello flowers. My eyebrows are back to the norm. My eyelashes are slowly coming in, and coming in fuller! I welcome that! I tell people I have a black shadow over my head. My hair feels like baby hair, and I think by mid-Oct I'll have pixie hair. My hair is not long enough for a big girl brush, so I bought a baby brush to help tame the new growth :) Fatigue, body aches, stiffness, nausea, and other random side effects still haunt me, but with time I know it will get better.

The other night I couldn't sleep because I was in discomfort. Well, let's just say I haven't really slept well since February, ha. Anyhow, I laid on my bed, and I had a flashback from January. My mind, body, and soul revisited the moment I found the lump in my breast. It's haunting, but yet comforting...if that makes sense. Maybe not..but for me that's kinda how it felt. I appreciate the moments that haunt me because it reminds me of all that I have been through physically and emotionally. It also reminds me of the healing and growth I have experienced and will continue to experience. Yes, cancer changes your life forever, but it's all about how we embrace the change. 

There is so much to look forward to in the months ahead, and I look forward to sharing these moments with you! As always, I appreciate your ongoing support, prayers, messages, and check-ins. Every day...and I DO mean EVERYDAY I thank God for my support system. I understand why my grandmother always-ALWAYS said thanks be to God. From simple to complex...we have so much to be thankful for in life. Thanks be to God.

Much love to you,

clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." ~ Wonder Woman

Survivorship-It's Still a Journey

Exhausted...that's how I am feeling. Between wrapping up chemo, major surgery, and now recovering from all of it...yep-physically and mentally EXHAUSTED. At this point, I have all my drains out, and the pain pump was also removed. The removal of all the extra on my body made life easier.  I get a little bit stronger each day, but I have a long ways to go. 

Last Saturday, I was able to get ready-BY MYSELF! Shower..wash my face...getting dressed-all of it. It took me over an hour, but I was able to do it. Then I would go back to rest on the awesome recliner that my friend Jane (and her familia) was so generous in lending me. Just the getting ready routine wore me out. Like chemo, I am easily fatigued and do not have much strength or endurance. Seriously...it's been the little things, such as working on fine motor skills, that have been my focus. I was also able to walk up and down the stairs without holding onto the rail. Yesterday, I was able to slowly open a car door and slowly put my own seatbelt on. How about that?! Just some examples to give you a visual of what life has been like for me that past couple of weeks. By the way, I sleep in the recliner every night. I look forward to the day I can sleep normal and in a bed again.


Earlier in the week I saw Dr. Haydon, my plastic surgeon, and I was a bit nervous because this was the visit where the dressings on my breasts would be removed. He and the nurse began pulling off the dressing they placed on me during surgery and my stomach dropped. I could not feel anything! Most of my chest area, including underneath my arms, is numb. Once the dressing was off I tried to look down, but I couldn't see anything. While I was waiting on the table, I was anxious about the extra cc's he was putting in to do another expansion. I asked if it would hurt, and he informed me I have no feeling in my chest, so I will more than likely never feel the needle that is inserted through my breast into the expander. He was right. Dr. Haydon said it may be a year or so before I begin to get feeling in my chest area and under my arm. WOW. I am seeing him on a weekly basis, and let me just say...even though it didn't hurt when he put the cc's in, it hurt like hell after!! I've been extra sore ever since so not really looking forward to Monday's appointment. 

Once I got home, in pain, I decided I needed to face what was underneath the dressing. I went to the restroom, took a gander...paused...no reaction...took another look-then my eyes began to water. I looked into the mirror and saw all of my battle scars for the first time. It was overwhelming and emotional, but like many of the too serious moments in my life, I had to bring in some comical relief and thought of what my friend Shermance once said (breast cancer survivor)....I have "frankenboobs" haha. Oh well! I know with time it will not look that way. Outside of my comical moments, I still have fragile moments...really many feelings I can't put into words right now. I mentally remind myself-"Clarissa...these are your battle scars...it's a beautiful thing." 

Basically, I am still in recovery mode which is a long and slow process. Currently, I have more soreness and discomfort. Quite honestly...I feel like I am recovering to run another "different kind of marathon" because there is another race ahead of me....Survivorship.

On Thursday I saw Dr. Helleterstedt, and we discussed the grand moment of my final pathology. I asked her about the outcome for patients who receive a complete pathological response. She informed me that 95% of patients who have a cPR do not have a reoccurrence and 5 % of patients do have a reoccurrence. She said "Clarissa, this is the best we can do. It's the A+ you get in class. It's the best pathology report you can get." Of course, that made me all the more happy so I shared how I couldn't believe how much took place in just 6 months. That's such a short time." It was at this moment the mood changed. Not a negative mood shift, but a "realistic" shift that only my oncologist could do. 

"Clarissa, this is what I tell patients. You still have to get through survivorship. This takes time." Ouch...I thought I was going to cry. She didn't hurt my feelings by no means, but what she did do is make me understand that just because I am currently "cancer free" does not mean my journey is over. Because I've already had cancer, I am never 100% in the clear. She reminded me that there is still another phase I am about to enter, and I have yet to even think about it!! All I ever thought about was I am cancer free, surgery, recovery, remission let's move on! NOPE...it's not that easy. It's more complex than I thought!

When I left her, she gave me a big hug, and I walked out of there with more on my mind than when I walked in. It's also a little scary knowing I will not see her again until November. Yep, I am on the "surveillance" plan. I will see Dr. Hellerstedt every 3 months for the first year which includes lab work each time I go in for a visit. I was used to seeing them weekly, and now I have to adjust to the new schedule.  I have to survive the recovery from cancer...treatment...reoccurrence...surgery...and so much more. Something else I have to survive...lyphedema. Egh...yes, it's a permanment condition, and patients can get it anytime during their lifetime, but it is more likely in the first year or so. Patients who undergo surgery and have lymph nodes removed are at risk for it. You should google it...the first time I heard about it, I wasn't worried about it. Now, that I've had surgery with 5 lymph nodes removed on my right, I am pretty paranoid about the darn condition! So, we talked about that too. For the rest of my life, I can't have blood drawn from my right arm, blood pressure can't be taken on my right arm, any type of cuts/burns, etc have to be given extra TLC so I don't get an infections. Infections can trigger the condition. I also have to get fitted for a compression sleeve. My right are is off limits, ha! I have to say I have been pretty proactive in trying to initiate what I can do now to prevent my risks. I start physical therapy next week, and I am also planning on getting lymphatic massages. 

While I am focused right now on my healing, I have to admit, I am bit overwhelmed with everything I have ahead of me. This is the moment where I was reminded that cancer changes your life forevever. This first year I have to take extra care of myself mentally and physically. Dr. Hellerstedt really stressed that. Phew...ok. Diet and exercise...I got that-no problem. I plan to be even BETTER about it. The part I am really going to have to work on is the mental stuff especially when I am under high levels of stress. I HAVE to be better at coping and controlling my stress levels-not a choice here.  As for cancer reoccurrence...I will not live my life thinking the cancer will come back. I will move forward continuing to live as a fighter. I will "Be Brave and Keep Going." I am happy to be in remission, but my unforeseen journey is not over. 

I will continue to see Dr. Haydon on a weekly basis. This past week, I've been practicing on small day to day tasks I couldn't do before. I've also taken short walks to build on strength and endurance. Literally...short walks. At one point I could only walk about 100 meters. Now, I can walk up to 400 meters. One time around my complex is a quarter mile. I've worked up to slowly walking that 2 times in a day. My goal is to walk 4 times in a day to equal a mile. Dr. Haydon told me it will be at least a couple of more weeks before I can do any aerobic activity, so when I see him Monday, I am hoping he will at least allow me to do a nice slow walk for at least 2 miles. Really--I can't wait for the day I can run again!!! We shall see...

OH! Here are some random updates: my hair is beginning to grow back. The hair on my head feels like peach fuzz. And...while chemo was super hard, I have to say I will miss the "laser treatment" effect it had on my body since March. Goodbye laser treatment----Hello again waxing and shaving-boo : /. I haven't had any hot flashes-whoohoo! My taste buds work again.  It's the little things :)

My parents went back to Corpus yesterday and took my Cassie Mae with them. Oh did I shed some tears as they left! I hated to see her leave, but with my parents gone, I physically can't walk her and keep up with her needs. It just broke my heart. I know Cassie's company will make my parents happy. They just love her, and of course, she just loves her abuelos. 

Still going one day at at time...
Thanks again for your positive thoughts, messages, and support! Keep them coming....I still have a long ways to go!

Much Love to YOU,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test"~Wonder Woman

On The Road to Remission

Last week during this time there was a party going on in my tummy! I was so nervous, Travis and Zelina went with me to do a walk/jog at my sanctuary-Town Lake.  It's hard to believe the surgery is complete, I'm in recovery, and I'm on the road to remission!!

The night before surgery: Finally, my GI Jane (AKA-GI Rissa-thanks Heather!) moment. I could hardly
do a one-arm push up!

The recovery is extremely hard, and like I've told many people, this is the most pain and discomfort I've ever had to endure. I can think of four times in my life I cried from pain, and two of those times took place in the hospital. I was in the hospital for 3 full days, and I almost thought I was going to be there for a 3rd night. Luckily, they gave me medication for nausea through my IV, and it did the trick. 

The night before surgery...gett'n ready
to kick cancer in the booty!

I checked in for surgery at 5 AM on Wednesday morning. I was ready, but nervous. The two hours before surgery went quick! My friend Robin, my parents, Zelina, and Travis were there with me. Before I knew it, the anesthesiologist came in and so did Dr. Martinez. I was moments away! I had a setback...of course I would! The RN who set up my IV did something wrong because my forearm began swell up, so they pulled it out and tried to put it in my hand. OUCH!! I was already nervous, and the thought of we need to find a spot for her IV...really?!?! Finally, the RN anesthesiologist took care of it, and I was on my way. Dr. Martinez was in the operating room when they rolled me in. I have to say...the more I get to know her, but the more I admire her. She was not warm and fuzzy when I first met her, but over time she warmed up and showed me another side to her. The day of surgery she certainly showed her true colors. As I was getting prepped in the operating room, she held my hand and my arm. In a very nurturing manner, she rubbed my arm until I was out. Her kind gesture meant the world to me. 

My room was cold so the
WW snuggie was a hit!

In my room pre-surgery.
I am wearing the princess crown
Kylie, Travis' niece, made for me.

Of course when I woke up I was really groggy and completely out of it. My family was there, and so was Mrs. Peel. I remember her telling me the surgeon said my lymph nodes looked clear..."that's what we want!" She's a breast cancer survivor. It's a sisterhood you don't choose, but when it's all said and done, it's one you take pride in. I also discovered my 4 drains and pain pump with a catheter. I was packed like a unabomber, ha. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. Zelina stayed with me the first night, and Travis stayed with me the second night. It was quite the experience. The drains are gross, but help with healing. They have to be emptied out twice a day. All these things on me make life extremely difficult. Luckily yesterday, I had two drains removed-thank God! Yesterday was also the first day I was able to eat 2 full meals. For most of the week I could only stomach crackers-yummy, huh? And showering...psh! I hate doing that (for now, ha). It took me over an hour to walk up the stairs, prep for the shower, get prepped again after, walk down the stairs, and lay down. Far from fun. On Sunday I tried to take a shower on my own, and it wore me out and made me sick. I was shot for the rest of the day. Like chemo, I am weak and can't do much for myself. Actually, I am more restricted now than I was during treatment. I can't even open a pill bottle!! Good grief! BUT...I was able to walk more yesterday, and I am walking without the ridiculous belt I was given. I had to wear a belt when I walked for safety. Someone had to hold it as I walked, and I felt silly. At the hospital Travis joked with me and said "You are kinda like Coach now...I walk you...I feed you...and I take you  to the restroom, ha!" Literally, that's what he did. In the hospital, I couldn't hold anything in my hand so he would break small pieces of crackers and feed me. He would do the same with jello and anything I had to drink. I won't even go into the whole restroom issues, ha! If you come for a visit, I'll share funny hospital stories with you.  

Day 1 at home with Cassie
at my side. 

Each day I gather a little more strength, but I have a long ways to go. I knew this would be hard, and it's NO JOKE! I am miserable and tired, but I dig deep. It's not always easy though. However, something yesterday made me look ahead to refocus and stay motivated.

The bear my nephew brought me!
I love it...he was up to shenanigans
at the hospital ;)

Yesterday I had my post-op with Dr. Martinez. Going into my appointment I knew I would be receiving my final pathology report. I had a good feeling, but mentally prepared myself for worse case scenario. Dr. Martinez's assistant told me they had good news, and she printed the pathology report and gave it to us. As Travis read it, I waited for Dr. Martinez. She came in with a big smile on her face. Dr. Martinez simply stated "they found no cancer." A little confused I looked at her again, and she informed us that the pathologist reviewed 60 slides and reviewed them twice. I had a what the medical world calls a "complete pathological response." Just one of the many benefits to doing chemo first. Basically, chemo did the job!! My tumors went from shrinking with chemo to nothing!! NO CANCER IN MY BREAST TISSUE!! It wasn't only the chemo, but I truly believe the power of prayers gave me these results! I cried...I am shedding tears now, ha. 

Six months ago I was not only told I had cancer, but I was told I had an aggressive form of breast cancer-triple negative. My cancer cells were dividing at 95%, and my only treatment options were surgery and chemotherapy. Here I am six months later sharing with you that the cancer is gone, and I am in remission! My body has been through the ringer, and I feel pretty beat up, but like Dr. Martinez said...it was worth all the work.

My "hombre"nails. Think it's
polish? Nope-these are
my chemo nails. 

I know I've thanked you, but honestly, I don't know that I even have the words to express how thankful I am for your love, support, prayers, and positive thoughts. Like I've said before, my medical team is awesome, but it certainly does not compare to my team of family and friends. I also thank you for not only supporting me, but also for your love and support for Travis, Cassie Mae, and my family. It was, and still is, a journey for them. I also thank you with all my heart for the messages while I was in the hospital. They brought me happy tears as I read them. My family and friends mean the world to me, and I was already honored to have you in my life, but I am certainly all the more honored to have you along my side during this unforeseen journey. 

So what next? Well, my recovery is long and slow, and I still have more reconstructive procedures including one more surgery. I am spending the next few weeks to a month recovering so I am fully healed. As for treatment, thanks be to GOD I AM DONE! I see my oncologist on August 22nd, so I will get more updates from her. I am moving forward to build my strength, slowly get life back to normal, and focus on staying cancer free. I will continue with blogs as I begin this new chapter-remission. Like my cousin Steve said "Here's to new beginnings...!"

Much Love to You,

Clari

"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman