Survivorship-It's Still a Journey

Exhausted...that's how I am feeling. Between wrapping up chemo, major surgery, and now recovering from all of it...yep-physically and mentally EXHAUSTED. At this point, I have all my drains out, and the pain pump was also removed. The removal of all the extra on my body made life easier.  I get a little bit stronger each day, but I have a long ways to go. 

Last Saturday, I was able to get ready-BY MYSELF! Shower..wash my face...getting dressed-all of it. It took me over an hour, but I was able to do it. Then I would go back to rest on the awesome recliner that my friend Jane (and her familia) was so generous in lending me. Just the getting ready routine wore me out. Like chemo, I am easily fatigued and do not have much strength or endurance. Seriously...it's been the little things, such as working on fine motor skills, that have been my focus. I was also able to walk up and down the stairs without holding onto the rail. Yesterday, I was able to slowly open a car door and slowly put my own seatbelt on. How about that?! Just some examples to give you a visual of what life has been like for me that past couple of weeks. By the way, I sleep in the recliner every night. I look forward to the day I can sleep normal and in a bed again.


Earlier in the week I saw Dr. Haydon, my plastic surgeon, and I was a bit nervous because this was the visit where the dressings on my breasts would be removed. He and the nurse began pulling off the dressing they placed on me during surgery and my stomach dropped. I could not feel anything! Most of my chest area, including underneath my arms, is numb. Once the dressing was off I tried to look down, but I couldn't see anything. While I was waiting on the table, I was anxious about the extra cc's he was putting in to do another expansion. I asked if it would hurt, and he informed me I have no feeling in my chest, so I will more than likely never feel the needle that is inserted through my breast into the expander. He was right. Dr. Haydon said it may be a year or so before I begin to get feeling in my chest area and under my arm. WOW. I am seeing him on a weekly basis, and let me just say...even though it didn't hurt when he put the cc's in, it hurt like hell after!! I've been extra sore ever since so not really looking forward to Monday's appointment. 

Once I got home, in pain, I decided I needed to face what was underneath the dressing. I went to the restroom, took a gander...paused...no reaction...took another look-then my eyes began to water. I looked into the mirror and saw all of my battle scars for the first time. It was overwhelming and emotional, but like many of the too serious moments in my life, I had to bring in some comical relief and thought of what my friend Shermance once said (breast cancer survivor)....I have "frankenboobs" haha. Oh well! I know with time it will not look that way. Outside of my comical moments, I still have fragile moments...really many feelings I can't put into words right now. I mentally remind myself-"Clarissa...these are your battle scars...it's a beautiful thing." 

Basically, I am still in recovery mode which is a long and slow process. Currently, I have more soreness and discomfort. Quite honestly...I feel like I am recovering to run another "different kind of marathon" because there is another race ahead of me....Survivorship.

On Thursday I saw Dr. Helleterstedt, and we discussed the grand moment of my final pathology. I asked her about the outcome for patients who receive a complete pathological response. She informed me that 95% of patients who have a cPR do not have a reoccurrence and 5 % of patients do have a reoccurrence. She said "Clarissa, this is the best we can do. It's the A+ you get in class. It's the best pathology report you can get." Of course, that made me all the more happy so I shared how I couldn't believe how much took place in just 6 months. That's such a short time." It was at this moment the mood changed. Not a negative mood shift, but a "realistic" shift that only my oncologist could do. 

"Clarissa, this is what I tell patients. You still have to get through survivorship. This takes time." Ouch...I thought I was going to cry. She didn't hurt my feelings by no means, but what she did do is make me understand that just because I am currently "cancer free" does not mean my journey is over. Because I've already had cancer, I am never 100% in the clear. She reminded me that there is still another phase I am about to enter, and I have yet to even think about it!! All I ever thought about was I am cancer free, surgery, recovery, remission let's move on! NOPE...it's not that easy. It's more complex than I thought!

When I left her, she gave me a big hug, and I walked out of there with more on my mind than when I walked in. It's also a little scary knowing I will not see her again until November. Yep, I am on the "surveillance" plan. I will see Dr. Hellerstedt every 3 months for the first year which includes lab work each time I go in for a visit. I was used to seeing them weekly, and now I have to adjust to the new schedule.  I have to survive the recovery from cancer...treatment...reoccurrence...surgery...and so much more. Something else I have to survive...lyphedema. Egh...yes, it's a permanment condition, and patients can get it anytime during their lifetime, but it is more likely in the first year or so. Patients who undergo surgery and have lymph nodes removed are at risk for it. You should google it...the first time I heard about it, I wasn't worried about it. Now, that I've had surgery with 5 lymph nodes removed on my right, I am pretty paranoid about the darn condition! So, we talked about that too. For the rest of my life, I can't have blood drawn from my right arm, blood pressure can't be taken on my right arm, any type of cuts/burns, etc have to be given extra TLC so I don't get an infections. Infections can trigger the condition. I also have to get fitted for a compression sleeve. My right are is off limits, ha! I have to say I have been pretty proactive in trying to initiate what I can do now to prevent my risks. I start physical therapy next week, and I am also planning on getting lymphatic massages. 

While I am focused right now on my healing, I have to admit, I am bit overwhelmed with everything I have ahead of me. This is the moment where I was reminded that cancer changes your life forevever. This first year I have to take extra care of myself mentally and physically. Dr. Hellerstedt really stressed that. Phew...ok. Diet and exercise...I got that-no problem. I plan to be even BETTER about it. The part I am really going to have to work on is the mental stuff especially when I am under high levels of stress. I HAVE to be better at coping and controlling my stress levels-not a choice here.  As for cancer reoccurrence...I will not live my life thinking the cancer will come back. I will move forward continuing to live as a fighter. I will "Be Brave and Keep Going." I am happy to be in remission, but my unforeseen journey is not over. 

I will continue to see Dr. Haydon on a weekly basis. This past week, I've been practicing on small day to day tasks I couldn't do before. I've also taken short walks to build on strength and endurance. Literally...short walks. At one point I could only walk about 100 meters. Now, I can walk up to 400 meters. One time around my complex is a quarter mile. I've worked up to slowly walking that 2 times in a day. My goal is to walk 4 times in a day to equal a mile. Dr. Haydon told me it will be at least a couple of more weeks before I can do any aerobic activity, so when I see him Monday, I am hoping he will at least allow me to do a nice slow walk for at least 2 miles. Really--I can't wait for the day I can run again!!! We shall see...

OH! Here are some random updates: my hair is beginning to grow back. The hair on my head feels like peach fuzz. And...while chemo was super hard, I have to say I will miss the "laser treatment" effect it had on my body since March. Goodbye laser treatment----Hello again waxing and shaving-boo : /. I haven't had any hot flashes-whoohoo! My taste buds work again.  It's the little things :)

My parents went back to Corpus yesterday and took my Cassie Mae with them. Oh did I shed some tears as they left! I hated to see her leave, but with my parents gone, I physically can't walk her and keep up with her needs. It just broke my heart. I know Cassie's company will make my parents happy. They just love her, and of course, she just loves her abuelos. 

Still going one day at at time...
Thanks again for your positive thoughts, messages, and support! Keep them coming....I still have a long ways to go!

Much Love to YOU,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test"~Wonder Woman

On The Road to Remission

Last week during this time there was a party going on in my tummy! I was so nervous, Travis and Zelina went with me to do a walk/jog at my sanctuary-Town Lake.  It's hard to believe the surgery is complete, I'm in recovery, and I'm on the road to remission!!

The night before surgery: Finally, my GI Jane (AKA-GI Rissa-thanks Heather!) moment. I could hardly
do a one-arm push up!

The recovery is extremely hard, and like I've told many people, this is the most pain and discomfort I've ever had to endure. I can think of four times in my life I cried from pain, and two of those times took place in the hospital. I was in the hospital for 3 full days, and I almost thought I was going to be there for a 3rd night. Luckily, they gave me medication for nausea through my IV, and it did the trick. 

The night before surgery...gett'n ready
to kick cancer in the booty!

I checked in for surgery at 5 AM on Wednesday morning. I was ready, but nervous. The two hours before surgery went quick! My friend Robin, my parents, Zelina, and Travis were there with me. Before I knew it, the anesthesiologist came in and so did Dr. Martinez. I was moments away! I had a setback...of course I would! The RN who set up my IV did something wrong because my forearm began swell up, so they pulled it out and tried to put it in my hand. OUCH!! I was already nervous, and the thought of we need to find a spot for her IV...really?!?! Finally, the RN anesthesiologist took care of it, and I was on my way. Dr. Martinez was in the operating room when they rolled me in. I have to say...the more I get to know her, but the more I admire her. She was not warm and fuzzy when I first met her, but over time she warmed up and showed me another side to her. The day of surgery she certainly showed her true colors. As I was getting prepped in the operating room, she held my hand and my arm. In a very nurturing manner, she rubbed my arm until I was out. Her kind gesture meant the world to me. 

My room was cold so the
WW snuggie was a hit!

In my room pre-surgery.
I am wearing the princess crown
Kylie, Travis' niece, made for me.

Of course when I woke up I was really groggy and completely out of it. My family was there, and so was Mrs. Peel. I remember her telling me the surgeon said my lymph nodes looked clear..."that's what we want!" She's a breast cancer survivor. It's a sisterhood you don't choose, but when it's all said and done, it's one you take pride in. I also discovered my 4 drains and pain pump with a catheter. I was packed like a unabomber, ha. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. Zelina stayed with me the first night, and Travis stayed with me the second night. It was quite the experience. The drains are gross, but help with healing. They have to be emptied out twice a day. All these things on me make life extremely difficult. Luckily yesterday, I had two drains removed-thank God! Yesterday was also the first day I was able to eat 2 full meals. For most of the week I could only stomach crackers-yummy, huh? And showering...psh! I hate doing that (for now, ha). It took me over an hour to walk up the stairs, prep for the shower, get prepped again after, walk down the stairs, and lay down. Far from fun. On Sunday I tried to take a shower on my own, and it wore me out and made me sick. I was shot for the rest of the day. Like chemo, I am weak and can't do much for myself. Actually, I am more restricted now than I was during treatment. I can't even open a pill bottle!! Good grief! BUT...I was able to walk more yesterday, and I am walking without the ridiculous belt I was given. I had to wear a belt when I walked for safety. Someone had to hold it as I walked, and I felt silly. At the hospital Travis joked with me and said "You are kinda like Coach now...I walk you...I feed you...and I take you  to the restroom, ha!" Literally, that's what he did. In the hospital, I couldn't hold anything in my hand so he would break small pieces of crackers and feed me. He would do the same with jello and anything I had to drink. I won't even go into the whole restroom issues, ha! If you come for a visit, I'll share funny hospital stories with you.  

Day 1 at home with Cassie
at my side. 

Each day I gather a little more strength, but I have a long ways to go. I knew this would be hard, and it's NO JOKE! I am miserable and tired, but I dig deep. It's not always easy though. However, something yesterday made me look ahead to refocus and stay motivated.

The bear my nephew brought me!
I love it...he was up to shenanigans
at the hospital ;)

Yesterday I had my post-op with Dr. Martinez. Going into my appointment I knew I would be receiving my final pathology report. I had a good feeling, but mentally prepared myself for worse case scenario. Dr. Martinez's assistant told me they had good news, and she printed the pathology report and gave it to us. As Travis read it, I waited for Dr. Martinez. She came in with a big smile on her face. Dr. Martinez simply stated "they found no cancer." A little confused I looked at her again, and she informed us that the pathologist reviewed 60 slides and reviewed them twice. I had a what the medical world calls a "complete pathological response." Just one of the many benefits to doing chemo first. Basically, chemo did the job!! My tumors went from shrinking with chemo to nothing!! NO CANCER IN MY BREAST TISSUE!! It wasn't only the chemo, but I truly believe the power of prayers gave me these results! I cried...I am shedding tears now, ha. 

Six months ago I was not only told I had cancer, but I was told I had an aggressive form of breast cancer-triple negative. My cancer cells were dividing at 95%, and my only treatment options were surgery and chemotherapy. Here I am six months later sharing with you that the cancer is gone, and I am in remission! My body has been through the ringer, and I feel pretty beat up, but like Dr. Martinez said...it was worth all the work.

My "hombre"nails. Think it's
polish? Nope-these are
my chemo nails. 

I know I've thanked you, but honestly, I don't know that I even have the words to express how thankful I am for your love, support, prayers, and positive thoughts. Like I've said before, my medical team is awesome, but it certainly does not compare to my team of family and friends. I also thank you for not only supporting me, but also for your love and support for Travis, Cassie Mae, and my family. It was, and still is, a journey for them. I also thank you with all my heart for the messages while I was in the hospital. They brought me happy tears as I read them. My family and friends mean the world to me, and I was already honored to have you in my life, but I am certainly all the more honored to have you along my side during this unforeseen journey. 

So what next? Well, my recovery is long and slow, and I still have more reconstructive procedures including one more surgery. I am spending the next few weeks to a month recovering so I am fully healed. As for treatment, thanks be to GOD I AM DONE! I see my oncologist on August 22nd, so I will get more updates from her. I am moving forward to build my strength, slowly get life back to normal, and focus on staying cancer free. I will continue with blogs as I begin this new chapter-remission. Like my cousin Steve said "Here's to new beginnings...!"

Much Love to You,

Clari

"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman

Strides Away from the Finish Line...Can You See It?

It's hard to believe how chemo can change you in less than 6 months.

I cannot believe the day is here. On Wednesday August 7th at 9:30 A.M my life will change forever. A new chapter in this journey will begin-REMISSION!!


When I started this blog, I used the analogy of running a marathon with this journey. Like I've said before, I am by no means an elite runner, and I still have so much to learn about running marathons and other challenging races, but what I do know is how to push mentally and physically through moments of weakness. Marathons challenge the body and mind, and I knew my unforeseen journey would challenge me in the same way.  

Celebrating at Brewster Street
Michelle and me :)

For reasons I will never quite understand, only certain people are selected for this "race" you don't get to sign up for. You don't have a training plan ...there is no race course to view, and the "swag" bag looks VERY different, ha. It's not a choice, but the choice you do have is how you start, maintain, and finish. It is a different kind of marathon, and it is by far the hardest I've ever had to endure. I am always looking to PR in anything I run, but I can say there will be no PR compared to this one. Running is emotional, and BY GOLLY so is dealing with cancer! I know...nothing ground breaking. Yep...this PR is personal, and this PR will impact me for the rest of my life. Quite honestly, it will define me. I am not saying that I am branded by cancer in a negative way, but rather, carrying with me my internal and external battle scars. These scars are reminders of how I had to battle the big "C". It's also about the many lessons I learned day in and day out. It's about life. It's about the kindness and care I saw from others. It made me closer to God.  It's about how I am a stronger woman for it.  Cancer slowed me down. It made me appreciate life more. It made me appreciate the little things I took for granted. It made me understand I am not always in control, and that's okay. I could go on...I think you get the idea ;) Throughout these past 6 months, I envisioned a strong finish with all of you as my support cheering me along one mile at a time. Well, the moment is finally here. I am about to cross the finish line...can you see it?...can ya see me?!!

Brother and sisters!
We are missing Zelina :(
Me, Albert, Adriana, and Michelle

Last night I read my first blog I sent to you, and it brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness, but of many emotions. It's really not my strenght that carried me over the past 6 months. It was (and still is) the outpour of strength you showered me with from the moment I shared my diagnosis with you. It was the power and special work of God who brought YOU into my life, and it is also the work of God who has carried me to battle this darn thing! Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart...thank you for taking time to read my thoughts and updates, thank you for checking in, thank you for your positive thoughts, thank you for your support, thank you for the thoughtful gifts and cards, and thank you for prayers. Whether you are a spiritual person or religious person, there is something and someone beyond us.

My twin!! I didn't know how
much my brother and I looked alike
until I lost my hair, ha!

The past few weeks have been extremely busy. I went back to work, and it felt great to get in a routine and push my brain to exercise in a different capacity. During this time many people asked I how felt about surgery...well...

Prior to today, I was more occupied with the "to-do's" and prepping for the big day. Every now and then I would get a little nervous about surgery, but I was too busy with so many other things. I was focused on getting as much taken care of as possible so I didn't have to worry about it later. However, I knew the days drawing closer may be different. I was right, ha!

Friday Aug 2nd was my last day at work. I was leaving early to get on the road for my brother's wedding in Corpus Christi. I always wake up feeling okay, but Friday was a little bit different. I was excited about the weekend, but the anxiety started to set in. Nothing about second thoughts on my decisions for the type of procedures I am having, but more so on surgery itself. I check-in at 7:30 AM on Wednesday, so those 2 hours before will be another moment recorded as one of the "longest moments of my life!!" I've had surgeries before, but not MAJOR surgery. I've also never been under for that long (4+ hours), so yes...this weekend I was freak'n out a little bit inside, ha! 

Jamming and raising the roof to music and fireworks!

Spending time with family helped with my nerves. Friday night we went to see the Spazmatics where we danced and sang our hearts out to 80's and 90's music. The evening was a pre-wedding celebration, my cousin Rene's birthday celebration, and I asked if I could crash the party with a pre-remission celebration too, haha! There was even a fireworks display at the Whataburger fields. I joked with my sister Michelle and said "Oh, ya'll shouldn't have...fireworks..thank you!!" So, yes I pretended the fireworks were for my pre-remission celebration. I even ran into friends as I was leaving the concert...it was such a pleasant surprise!! 

Reunited!! Danny, Bebe, me and Monica

Of course, Saturday was a big day---wedding day! It was a fun evening spent with family and friends celebrating Albert and Magda's new life together! It was a blast, and of course, our family is all about dancing, music, good company, good food, and mariachis :). For two nights I was up til 1 AM (this is a rare occassion!), and while I was extremely exhausted, I was ever so thankful to get to spend quality time with family before this major event in my life. 

It was good to be busy because I was stressing over the weekend. While this is far from a strength, I do an excellent job of internalizng my stress, ha. I am doing my best to ask God for the strength to let the fears and anxiety go and release it to Him so I can feel at peace inside. It's hard, but I am trying!

Alvarado's!!---Go hard or go home ;)

Don't get me wrong...there is excitement too! I don't forget that Wednesday is my second birthday, and I am thrilled to be able to tell people "I AM IN REMISSION!" I look forward to getting back to some normalcy. I know that recovery will be hard, but like I've said before, I think I am past the hardest part.

So, to kinda recap for you---I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. In case you are wondering...here is a summary of the procedure:
Dr. Martinez, my breast surgeon, will do the mastectomy first. It's also a skin sparing mastectomy so she is only taking out breast tissue along with 2 lypmphnodes. The lymphnodes will be tested to determine if the cancer spread to my lymphatic system. Once she takes out all of my breast tissue along with any cancer that is in the tissue, Dr. Haydon steps in and finishes the surgery. He will begin reconstructive surgery and place tissue expanders which will be filled in with so many CCs of saline. Tissue expanders are like temporary implants.  When I wake up, I will not be completely flat. Yes...I am getting a "boob" job, ha! Million dollar question....wondering if I am going to go a bit bigger? Maybe ;) Here's a little something for you...it's fun and random, but funny! Travis suggested it ( I know he was kidding) so I am sharing! Maybe we can have a party like this in my hospital room?
http://youtu.be/xVkU8dDSC9w

I am not sure how I will react when I am awake and alert, but I am prepared to have a breakdown. I don't think all of this has completely hit me full on yet, so I am keep telling myself "Clarissa...it's gonna come...be prepared!" I don't have second thoughts about my decision, but it's still emotional. I chose to go more radical for several reasons: 
1) Researches and doctors are still learning quite a bit about triple negative breast cancer.
2) In the years ahead, I am not 100% completely in the clear of breast cancer, SO I have to know I did everything possible when I had the opportunity.
3) Simply stated, I don't want to do this again.

A pathology report will completed, and I will get results within 5 days. The report is extremely important. It will determine my final staging after chemo, and it will determine if I am in the clear or will need additional treatment. If I need more treatment, I am okay with that. Not that is was fun or anything, but I am all about doing what they gotta do to clear me of cancer. Again, it only takes one cancer cell...yes just one cell to effect another area in my body with cancer. UMMM....NO THANK YOU! If pathology looks good..then I am DONE!! Because my cancer is triple negative, I don't have to take medication or do any type of hormone therapy. The only things left for me will be be reconstructive procedures which includes another surgery to place the final implants. 

Well...in less than 48hours I get so stay at the luxurious all-inclusive St. David's Hospital on 32nd street ;). While I wish I was really checking into a resort, I will settle for surgery so that sometime in the future, I can do it up all-inclusive resort style! I am getting things together like my hospital bag, and I am making a hospital mix for my iPod. A little bit of everything will be on my mix: mariachi loco, Ave Maria, Blurred lines, Thriftshop, Wake Up, Knights of Cydonia, Danger Zone, Three Little Birds, Over the Rainbow, and so much more!! I will also have special items with me to keep me comfortable. One of these items is a very special guardian angel given to me by my Aunt Ana. My uncle's battle with stomach cancer ended almost seven years ago. When he was in treatment, he was given a guardian angel. My aunt told me she knew he would want me to have it. She gave it to me this past Saturday, and of course, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I am taking it with me on Wednesday. I know I have very special guardian angels watching over me. I will be in the hospital for 1-2 nights.  Also, during surgery Mr. Roboto will be removed. Our time together has come to an end. I know---it's sad. Here's to you Mr. Roboto! http://youtu.be/Gbkhla8Ivlk

How perfect is this card!!
Thanks again Malinda!

 Once I am released I will get to go home and take on the challenge of recovery and dealing with drains (gross). 

I know I am in good hands. I trust my surgeons and know they are going to take good care of me, but I am still nervous! Please say a special prayer not just for me, but for Travis, my family, and for the doctors, surgeons, and medical staff who will be taking care of me. We will do our best to send it out updates within the first week. In the mean time, you are welcome to check in with us. Again, thank you a million times over. I'll see ya at the finish line!! Share the moment with me, view, and celebrate!
http://youtu.be/Jmd4OLzhQw0

Much love to you,

Clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." -Wonder Woman

From friends at work:
A Wonder Woman Snuggie!
I had no idea they had them!

Austin Race for the Cure is November 1oth. Our team name is "Bros and Bras." If you are able, please join us. My Care Calendar Commander, Amber Laroche, is the team captain, and I thank her taking the initiative to coordinate a team. 

http://austin.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/AUS_AustinAffiliate?fr_id=3486&pg=entry


Houston family and friends: Houston Race for the Cure Houston is Oct. 5th. Zelina's friend, Stephanie Jaramillo, has a team as well "The Rack Pack." She asked if they could do this in my honor, so I invite you to join. God willing, I can at least walk it! I hope you can join too. So honored and thankful Stephanie coordinated a team as well. 

To access Clarissa Alvarado's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/ logon/145353 and enter
the following information in the appropriate spaces:

     CALENDAR ID   :   145353
     SECURITY CODE :   5667