My Unforeseen Journey: 2014

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Days of Summer and Transformation

Short Version:

Cas and Coach happy to be back at the beach.

The days of summer came, left, and it's back to school time. As I continue on the journey of survivorship, I learn more life skills to help me take care of me. My health, body, mind, and soul come first. When that's all taken care of and in good standing, then everything else falls into place. I am a better woman, sidekick, person, friend, family member, professional, etc. Honestly, that's what all of us should do in life. When we can take care of ourselves, we can serve and take care of others-better. Here is a list of what's been going on since April:

-I saw my oncologist in May, all is good! Getting healthier and stronger each visit.
-Summer had a sad start for me and my family, but we are at peace and pray my grandfather is too. For summer vacay, Travis and I took the dogs to Port Aransas, and we went to Dallas for my friend' s wedding.
-I had a procedure on my eye. All is good and benign! Healing and moving on.
-I am back to work…and SO is Travis!
-Travis is an assistant principal at O'Henry Middle School
-I'm still in physical therapy and wear compression.
-I see my oncologist in September.
-All is good, feeling good, and Team Wonder Woman (Travis, Cas, and Coach) continues to move onward and upward!

Relaxing at the beach house in Port A

Longer Version:

We hope for endless summers, but they end up being short and going by way too fast, but I'm thankful for them anyway! Quite a bit has happened since April so I will do my best to capture all of it.

Summer…ahhh…the days of summer. During the summer months, I was challenged mentally and emotionally . In addition to that, I was asked a question that provoked some deep thought and strong reflections. These two life impacting moments inspired this blog... I'll start with Father's Day weekend.

To kick off summer, I saw my parents and my sister Zelina for the first time in over 5 months. I was used to seeing them almost weekly, so as you can imagine, I was extremely excited to spend time with family.

Father's Day with the best dad EVER!!

During our visit, my mom brought me a copy of a picture my cousin Yvonne took at my brother's wedding a year ago. As you may recall, I had the opportunity to attend my brother's wedding just days before a surgery that would change me physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. Can you believe that was one year ago??? August 7th marks one year I've been in remission! Raise the roof!! FIST PUMP!!

Z and I at my brother's wedding August 4, 2013

Flashback to PT the day
after surgery

Anyhow, when I saw the picture…I had a huge lump in my throat. I had a moment of disbelief…and shock thinking "wow..it's hard to believe that was me." I also revisited some old blogs and posts from my second birthday, August 7th. A stroll down my unforeseen journey helps bring to light the trials faced over the past year and a half. Not just by me, but by my loved ones as well. Like I've mentioned before, I still look in the mirror and see a very tired and somewhat aged face…well no wonder why silly, ha! These vivid memories capture tremendous life events that leave me with internal and external scars that will stay with me forever. They are my battle wounds, my battle scars, and they are my victories. Uncovering and revisiting these artifacts are still very fresh, tender and raw.

Travis and I at my friend Robert's wedding

Recovering…same stuff
different day.

My body is still in the process of trying to normalize, and its not quite there yet. Setbacks and cruddy days still exist, but thankfully I don't have as many, and they don't happen as often. My toes still have chemo nails…though it is almost gone. I lost my eyelashes again, and they are now at a length where you would've never known. I still go to physical therapy and wear compression. I even got to add a really fancy compression bar and swell pad to the mix. Sexy, huh-haha?! Recently I had a procedure to remove a lesion from my eye. Good news…it was benign ! I had a follow-up with my opthamlogist, and I don't have to see her unless I have any changes or problems-SWEET! Bad news…I had an allergic reaction to the medication she prescribed-shocking, huh? Allergic reaction on top of the stitches I had on my eye resulted in a very miserable and unhappy Clarissa. I learned to work through it, and I am MUCH better now. Just another collection to the many scars I already have. My chemo brain is also getting better! I am able to think more clearly and recall information a little bit better. Things get a little foggy now and then, but overall I am making improvements. Though…when my brain has a good moment, sometimes I still feel like this…
http://youtu.be/etBRqzt7OqY

Kimberly, Travis, me, and Robert
Beautiful and fun filled wedding weekend!

Summer break was a season of sadness and happiness. The loss of my grandfather was unexpected, and while our family mourned, we also celebrated his life and enjoyed the reunion of our Viera family. Team Wonder Woman spent time in Port Aransas, went to my friend's wedding in Dallas, and had some down time in Austin. Thankfully our summer did not consist of infusion rooms! It was a short summer, but a good one. Travis definitely had a short summer because he got a new job! Travis went from a teacher/coach at O'Henry to assistant principal at the same school. I am super proud of him! Both of us are back in the grind and just weeks away from jumping into a new school year. Lots of good change taking place! I am back to training and looking forward to January. I got into the Houston Half-Marathon and Travis will be running the full marathon. It's exciting to slowly pick up where I left off.

So…to get back to that whole transformation thing again... "What's been your biggest transformation?" I did not have a straight forward answer. I can say this…I've thought quit a bit about that question. It's like Robin Roberts stated "make your mess your message." So, here is my mess ;)

Loving on Maya, Bella,
and Cassie Mae

It's extremely easy to get wrapped up in the little things in life that weigh us down and become bigger stressors. I've read over and over in diet plans how the little things you eat here and there catch up with you…well I believe the same happens in our day to day lives. The little things we commit to, say yes to, give up, ignore, times we don't turn it off, and I could keep going, but I think you get the point. SO, I am learning to let go of the little things and getting better at managing all other components of my life. Talk about a juggling act?!

Good times with Lee and Magda
music, fun, and dancing!

I am a different kind of normal and that is the life I lead…to me it is the inevitable. I've had to put things on hold, fallen behind on personal and professional goals, made life decisions I was not quite ready for, and through it all I had to manage my health. But, through it all I was never alone. I had and still have a strong support network. The days ahead will be devoted not just to me, but those who have walked every step with me, experienced my emotions and their own, and battled battles I don't know about. I've said so much about how I have felt, and I know there is a tremendous amount of emotions my loved ones have felt as well. When I think about tomorrow and the future the following question comes to mind-What makes me happy? To me, it's a simple yet powerful question. The answer--The time I spend with my family and friends. Looking ahead…I think my future is bright…so I have to wear shades, ha! No, but really-my values changed. When I think of the future, I think of leading and living the type of life that will bring the most happiness, balance, and utmost harmony.

Balance has always been important to me, but sometimes it can be my weakness. What makes life…life? I don't have all the answers, but I am slowly making discoveries along the way. Life will always be busy, and there will always be something. Life is what we make of it. My life is different. Our life is different. It will never be the same, but my victories tell me that my life is full, and the days ahead of me will unveil many blessings. I've discovered a new me, but I've also discovered some of the "old" me. The days of summer taught me some lessons. The little things are my transformation.

Much Love to YOU,
clari
"All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." ~Wonder Woman

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Renewing Body, Mind, and Soul

Short Version: Since my last blog, I've been focused on renewing my body, mind, and soul. Let's just say it's been a bumpy ride, but I'm getting better. So…here are some updates since February:

I'm still in physical therapy.

I see my oncologist and breast surgeon again in May.

Due to ongoing symptoms, I'm wearing compression everyday until May. Boo.

Laverne and Shirley are good. I saw my plastic surgeon, and I'll see him in 6 months!

Spring Break-We took the dogs to the beach. It was the perfect getaway!

I can run up to 8 miles! I ran my first race for 2014: Cap 10K

I am exercising 3-4 times a week

I started yoga

I've been on a regular work schedule for 2 months now.

After 15 years, I let go of my girl Midnight, and now I have a new ride in my life~Pearl.

We had a relaxed Easter, celebrated Travis' birthday, and look forward to seeing his parents this week.

Continuing (and trying) to move onward and upward.

Long Version:
A year ago, I started chemotherapy, and it was around this time where the reality of my world really started to go full throttle. One year later, I am ever so grateful to be where I am today. However, I am still giving my all to work out all the kinks and continue to learn through many trials and errors. I have to work harder to stay healthy. What worked before does not work as well or as effectively and that can be VERY frustrating. I have my flaws and my moments of weakness. I also have the moments where I gaze into the mirror, and I can see how the stress of the year has aged me. Yes, I know all of us notice something different year to year, but for me, what I see is more than what I've seen before. I look into the mirror, and I see the face of a very tired…tired…woman, ha. Like I've said many times over, it's the trade-off. While it is hurtful sometimes to see how much stress I see and feel inside and out, I am thankful to have the strength I do to rebuild my body, mind, and soul. It's quite the journey.

Over the past 2-3 months I've noticed many significant changes in my body. I've had ongoing changes due to the inevitable this year, but the most recent feel more permanent…if that makes sense. I'm doing my best to keep up and with that comes changes in my diet. Life is MUCH more expensive for me too. Half of what I'm referring to are the things I can't avoid, and the other half are the changes I've made because of the following quote:

Travis hears his share of…"you should buy that organic…you should eat that organic…don't' eat there because I saw what they put in that stuff…"My grocery bill doubled, but I'm okay with that. It is a personal choice, but I am particular about where I shop not just for groceries, but for day to day products. I have to be more cautious about what I put on my skin, what I wear, how I eat, how much water I drink..and the list goes on. Again, some changes are personal choices, and some are choices I just don't have. I'm a broken record with this statement, but….lots of maintenance in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still go to my favorite restaurants and treat myself from time to time with all the yummy joys in life! Thankfully, Austin's local restaurants are about serving healthy, natural, organic, and quality food. And-I'm all about keeping it local (Austin and weird).

Cas loved the waves!

Medically…where am I? I see my oncologist in May for my 9 month check in. For this appointment, they are going to check my bone density and vitamin D levels. It is my hope that I will continue to see all good numbers across the board for my bloodwork. I will also see my breast surgeon. They are going to take measurements of my arm and get an update to determine whether or not I need to continue to wear compression daily. I have not been diagnosed with lymphedema, but due to ongoing symptoms, the compression was required to reverse any possible early symptoms of lymphedema. So far, it's been successful.

I am continuing to receive lymphatic treatment along with building my program to regain full strength and range of motion. I am excited about all the different movements I can perform now. I recently saw my plastic surgeon and had a great visit. As of now, I shouldn't have any major surgeries, but possibly outpatient stuff…no biggie. After all I've been through, I can pretty much handle any medical procedure. I'll see him in 6 months. I've also been seeing a dermatologist. My last visit, I received steroid injections for some of my battle wounds. Some are beginning to keloid so hopefully the steroid injections will help (BTW…these injections are not fun).

Earlier in the month I ran my first race for 2014- Cap10K, and I was very excited that I was able to run the whole race without stopping. Because I had not been running much, my goal was to finish and walk when I needed to. I felt good when I started and coached myself through each mile thinking this may be the mile I literally lose all adrenaline, ha. It never happened. I was 55 seconds from setting a PR. I am working out 3-4 times a week, and on some days I wake up at 4 AM to begin working out at the gym by 5 AM. I know that may sound crazy, but by the end of the day, I am wiped out. Going to the gym after work is harder than waking up super early. I've noticed I am more productive and sleep better on the days I workout early AM. I also started going to yoga at pretty cool place called Wanderlust Yoga (thanks for the suggestion Amber!).

Recently, new research was published on Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I've mentioned this before, but part of the reason I made the choices I did for treatment and surgery was because there is still so much doctors and researchers don't know about this type of cancer, and the research is ongoing. For cancers that are hormone positive, most women take medication from anywhere from 5-10 years as continued treatment. For women, like myself, who had triple negative breast cancer, there are no additional treatment options once chemo and surgery are complete. While there is an advantage to that, it's also kinda scary. Reoccurence and risks of other cancers are higher and while the next 5 years are critical, the first three years are even more critical. I'm not obsessed with the risk of getting cancer again, but it does scare me. As I've said a many, many times, my body is not and will never be the same, so I have to work harder at keeping it healthy. I have to work harder overall in this whole survivorship phase. I am getting better at handling this part of the journey, but it's never easy.

Pardon the language…but I read this and said yep--that's about right.

I still have my moments of weakness, but I noticed I have more moments of strength. The spring has truly been a season of renewal for me. Last year during this time, I was in the beginning of chemotherapy, I lost my hair, went GI Jane, and began to slowly disintegrate with all the cumulative side effects of chemo. One year later, I am building what's left of me. And quite honestly, what bothers me more are not the scars I see everyday, but rather, the tiredness in my face…the aging I've seen take place so rapidly. I know it eventually happens to all of us, but sadly, chemo makes the process happen sooner than later. Major boo!! If you find the fountain of youth, please let me know, ha! This is one of my of my personal confessions, and while it bothers me, I constantly have personal interventions to remind myself of the trade-off.

It was a tight fit in the Mazda!

This year already has many updates. Over spring break, Travis, Coach, Cassie Mae, and I took a road trip to Port Aransas and stayed at a house on the beach for the first half of the break. It was the perfect trip, and the dogs had a blast! We are going back in the summer because we had such a grand time and staying at the same house. We came back from Port A and enjoyed the rest of the week in Austin. After spring break, my truck, Midnight, took a turn for the worse. My friend Amber needed help picking up furniture and taking it to her new house (very exciting!). It was on this day I noticed Midnight was acting up. By Monday, I knew it was time. It was like she told me "this is it…I can't go anymore." I had to act fast, so one week later, I let "her" go and purchased Pearla AKA Pearl. Pearl is a 2014 Chevy Equinox, and I love it!

Coach loved the water too…and he loves his tennis ball.

Life is a bit different, but it feels good to get it back to a different kind of normal. Travis, the dogs, and I had a relaxing Easter weekend. We not only celebrated Easter, but we also celebrated Travis' birthday. We look forward to the upcoming week-Travis' parents are coming to Austin! So far, 2014 has been good to me, and I look forward to moving onward and upward on this journey of survivorship. Until next time…namaste ;)

Much Love to YOU,
Clari
All women can do wonders if they're put to the test." ~ Wonder Woman

My last pic and evening with "Midnight."

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

My One Year Cancerversary

My Unforeseen Journey 2014
Tackling Life After Breast Cancer: A Different Kind of "Normal"

Short Version:
I had my second and (God-Willing!) last reconstructive surgery on Thursday Jan. 30th. On top of beginning yet another recovery, I also had a pretty bad allergic reaction at the hospital. Overall, I am resting and trying to get healthy again. At the end of the month, I will see the many doctors on my medical team for my 6 month check in. I am doing my best to stay in good spirits, survivorship is still hard, but I am a focusing on 2014 as my year to bounce back and transform to A Different Kind of "Normal." February 5th is my one year cancerversary…the day my life changed forever. The celebrations throughout this journey would not have been possible without the support I received from family, friends, and from prayer warriors everywhere. While I could reflect and discuss every part of this journey again, I will not overburden you with "reruns," but rather invite you or new readers to look back on past blogs. I do every now and then to help me in my personal growth. One year later, I still wake up with my boxing gloves on and look to God for guidance. Lots to reflect on and lots to celebrate.

Longer Version:
Looking back on one year ago, I didn't realize I had my biopsy on World Cancer Day (February 4th). If you are not familiar with it, here is a link to learn more. I encourage you to read and check it out. http://www.worldcancerday.org

One day later...February 5, 2013 I received the frightening phone call that changed my life forever. I can still feel the emotions, and it's haunting. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A week later I found out I had an aggressive form of cancer-triple negative. The lives of my loved ones also changed, and they became co-survivors.

One day I was walking by a classroom, and it had a small white board outside the door with a quote written on it. It said something along the lines of "Life is too short. Wrong! It's the longest thing we will experience." Wow. I read it over and over so clearly it resonated with me. It's very true. While we feel life slips past us too fast, life is the longest experience we will have. I am thankful to all those who walked with me hand in hand, to those who saw and still see me struggle day to day with life, and with so many life lessons I can't keep count.

First and foremost, I decided to continue blogging about my experience because I want to continue to keep my family and friends in the know of this journey. My other reason is this: there is part of a cancer survivor's journey that sometimes goes unrecognized. It's part of the journey people don't always see, realize, or quite understand the challenges to it. Survivorship. I've referenced it in past blogs, but now I am really trying to grow, understand, and explore more of this phase to transform myself to a different kind of normal. I thought I had a good handle on it, but I have a lot to learn. My cancer marathon is complete, and now I am taking strides into a"survivor" marathon...though I am going to call it the "survivor ultra marathon." Survivorship is going to be a much longer race. Before you continue on…feel free to clink on the link and view…it gives a hint as to what I will be talking about next.

http://youtu.be/W2ZXjY5rTHg

Back in November, my oncologist referred me to a new dermatologist because I began to breakout like a teenage girl going through puberty! I am glad I got another dermatologist when I did because I had another skin issue. Early January I developed a new skin condition, and I had to change most of my products. Something else to keep maintenance on. SO.AWESOME. When I see my oncologist at the end of the month, we will discuss another specialist my dermatologist is recommending. Keep the specialists coming, ha! Okay…now onto "the switch."

My second reconstructive surgery went smoothly with the exception of having an allergic reaction at the hospital. AS if my skin hasn't already taken a beating. Just.My.Luck!! I can already hear my former "tea rose" roomies laughing and having a flashback to our days when they took shifts watching me due to a bad allergic reaction I had to a sulfa drug. The memories, ha! I was about to be discharged, and as I was doing my best to change clothes, I looked in the mirror to see what I looked like, and rather than noticing "Laverne and Shirley," I saw my body covered in redness!!! My back and under my arms looked like I had a severe sunburn. I had hives everywhere! I was evaluated by doctors and nurses, and thankfully, they discharged me anyway. Even in my loopy and groggy state, I didn't want to stay there. I wanted to go home.

My expanders were removed and placed with implants. I am happy the expanders are out. They were heavy and hard…not comfortable at all. I got used to them, but there is a major difference with implants. I even have a serial number on the implants, identification card, AND a warranty :). My surgeon also revised my scar from where my port was placed because he was not happy with the way it was healing. Just another perk from having a plastic surgeon! Now, I rest, recover, and heal, and then I will return back to physical therapy. It is my hope that beginning in March I can begin running again and start a yoga program. Rehab and rebuild!

I am stating the obvious when I say I look at life differently, but shame on me...I am guilty of the same habits I wrote about from my last blog! I am guilty of not putting my health first and overwhelmed by little things. Not putting my health first has been heavy on my heart and mind. I also feel guilty when I complain, but I think I've earned earned some wiggle room to complain. Another personal intervention--It comes down to this---Before I can begin the full recovery and healing process I am focused on for 2014, I realized I have to be upfront and personal with the challenges I face one year later. I am probably being pretty raw, upfront, and forward here, but I come with a disclaimer ;). I am healing mentally and physically, but when you have to transition back to life after cancer….well-it is not the same. So here it goes--

On a daily basis, it's like I have to work 20 times harder…if not more, to function the way I did before my unforeseen journey. For that, I need continued patience and understanding. Internal healing is the hardest for others to understand--even for me. At the beginning of the cancer journey, people can physically see your hardships. No hair, scarves, ports, paleness, puffiness, weakness, chemo nails, etc. Then surgery happens, hair begins to grow back, and things tend to look normal on the outside. It appears all is good. She is good and back to normal. Yes and No.

The efforts made to transition back to life after cancer is much harder than I anticipated. I live the positives and recognize all celebrations. After all, they are what get me through the days and keep me in good spirits. You would think after being in remission, there are rainbows, flowers blooming, birds chirping, and happiness all around. Yes…and No. But…like I've said before, I still have to wake up each day with boxing gloves on. I am in remission which is awesome, but I am not fully healed. It will take years. I will never be the same. My body will never be the same. I am changed forever. I don't mean this to be completely negative nor am I trying to be a downer, but rather stating the realities of what life was, what life is, and what life will be. These are my personal hardships. To not recognize or acknowledge them would be denying my ability to truly move forward and heal. Life before and after cancer affects everyone differently, but my hardships are not unique. It's the hardships I was warned about. The will be is the part I strive to make the most of, and of course, stay positive about.

Cassie and Coach

As I continue to move onward and upward into 2014, I hope to grow stronger in this phase of survivorship. While I've had these ongoing reflections, I've also had a whirlwind of trials, errors, many lessons learned along with lessons to be learned. It's harder than I thought. Really, I'm learning everyday. The internal battles and healing that take place are hard to describe and hard to communicate, but it's real.

Maya and Bella

Over the year, so many of you took time out of your schedule to take me to medical appointments, treatments, visited me, brought me meals, cooked for me, walked Cassie Mae, stayed the night with me, gave up your Friday/Saturday night to hang with me, watched me in my sickest moments, visited me in the hospital, sent me cards, sent me messages, gifts, sent me love, prayers, and so much more. I felt them then, and I still feel the positive and vibrant energy. I made it to this point in my life because of you, and I mean that with all my heart. Cancer survivors can't thrive and survive without being surrounded by love. Love is all around us (Love Actually-my favorite movie)!

In honor of this one year cancerversary, I want to honor you and give you a HUGE virtual hug thanking you for the ongoing support. It's amazing to think how much took place in one year, and thanks be to God, my treatments, surgeries, and outlook have been positive. I have chingos of maintenance and cleaning up to do, but most importantly, I have a full life ahead of me. A life I am going to give me all to rebuild. My health comes first, and if I lose focus on that, PLEASE set me straight. I am asking for your help. I can't do this survivorship thing alone. Help me help myself stay focused on the bigger picture-God, health, life, and happiness.

So, when I say much love to you-I mean it! Do a happy dance!! Have a drink for me! (BTW…my favorite celebration drink is Matt's El Rancho margarita!) Celebrate! One year later, we crossed the finish line to a different kind of marathon…Raise your glass (or your next one)

Here's to a FULL recovery, awesome health, defining survivorship, and putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. A slow process that will go day to day, week to week, month to month, and year to year. It's not a sprint. It's a different kind of marathon. It's a different kind of "normal." It's my survivor ultra marathon.

http://youtu.be/3GwjfUFyY6M

Much Love to YOU,
clarissa
"All Women Can Do Wonders If They're Put To The Test."
~ Wonder Woman